APRIL 18, 1953

Full News Archive

• Headline: Burlington Policemen Indicted for Perjury. Impact: The indictment of these policemen led to a nationwide distrust in law enforcement that somehow culminated in a reality television show about cops that is still running today. Who knew watching people get arrested could be a national pastime?. Fact: Did you know that in some places, perjury is considered a badge of honor? Just kidding, that’s not true... yet.
• Headline: Steinway Scholarship Established for Centennial. Impact: This scholarship set off a musical revolution that caused every teenager with a keyboard to suddenly think they were the next Beethoven, leading to several awkward family gatherings filled with subpar performances. Fact: Fun fact: Steinway pianos are so well-made that they can actually withstand a lot of bad music!.
• Headline: Dr. William Warren's Historic Appointment. Impact: Dr. Warren's work in the 1950s laid the groundwork for future medical breakthroughs, which eventually led to the creation of the world's first health app that helps you track how much pizza you can eat before feeling guilty. Fact: Dr. Warren’s middle name was actually 'More Important'—or at least it should have been.
• Headline: NEW YORK A. C. TRIUMPHS; Winged Foot A and B Teams Win in Water Polo. Impact: This victory sparked a surge in water polo enthusiasm, resulting in a bizarre aquatic Olympics where synchronized swimming teams were mysteriously replaced by water polo players in tuxedos. Fact: Water polo: the only sport where drowning is not considered a foul play… unless you’re losing.
• Headline: R. O. T. C. SERVICE DEFINED; Most Graduates Will Get Active Duty Call Before June 30, 1954. Impact: The call to active duty caused a ripple effect of panic among college students, leading to an unprecedented rise in caffeine consumption and a new trend of 'study now, sleep later' that persists to this day. Fact: Fun fact: ROTC stands for 'Really Overly Tired Cadets' during finals week.
• Headline: Towering Drive by Yank Slugger Features 7-3 Defeat of Senators; Mantle's 565-Foot Homer at Capital Surpassed Only by Mighty Ruth Wallops. Impact: Mantle's epic homer not only solidified his place in baseball history but also inspired a generation of kids to pick up baseball bats, leading to an explosion of backyard injuries and the invention of the phrase 'watch this!'. Fact: Mickey Mantle's home runs are so legendary that even the baseballs he hit are now in therapy for performance anxiety.
• Headline: WENDELL L. CROSS. Impact: Wendell's work was so influential that it accidentally inspired a poorly received sitcom about a man named Wendell who just can't catch a break—spoiler alert: he never does. Fact: Wendell L. Cross sounds like a name that should be on a fancy monument, or at least on a coffee mug.
• Headline: WILBU'R:K: :THOrdAs,' Hurd::NITARI, 70; Executive Secretary of Friends Service Committee, 1918,29, Die s.-Led .Famine Relief. Impact: Wilbur's famine relief efforts set the stage for international humanitarian aid, which eventually led to the creation of online donation platforms—because nothing says 'I care' like clicking a button while sitting in your pajamas. Fact: Wilbur’s last name sounds like a fancy dish at a French restaurant. ‘I’ll have the Wilbur with a side of compassion, please.’.
• Headline: GALLERY DISPLAYS LANDSCAPIST'S ART; Paintings by Snorre Andersen of Norway at Serigraph -- Sanchez Water-Colors at Ferargil. Impact: The showcasing of these artists prompted a global trend of 'landscapism,' where people began to favor paintings of serene landscapes over actual outdoor activities, leading to an epidemic of couch potatoes. Fact: Snorre Andersen's name literally means 'snore artist' in some cultures, which explains why his paintings are so relaxing.
• Headline: Health Research Unit Accepted. Impact: The acceptance of this health center marked the beginning of the age of health consciousness, leading to the modern obsession with kale and the invention of the juice cleanse—because nothing says health like drinking your vegetables. Fact: The $4-million price tag could have funded a small country's supply of donuts, but hey, who needs donuts when you have research?.