MARCH 17, 1953

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Dean of Students Appointed in Utah. Impact: The appointment of a new dean at Queens led to a ripple of academic reforms that ultimately resulted in the invention of the world's first vending machine for student complaints. Because who doesn't want their grievances dispensed with a side of chips?. Fact: Fun fact: The title 'Dean of Students' is actually an ancient title that dates back to the days when students were still expected to wear powdered wigs and quill pens. Ah, progress!.
• Headline: Guam's New Governor Takes Office. Impact: Rizley's ascension to governorship sparked an unprecedented enthusiasm for the island's local cuisine, leading to a culinary revolution that resulted in the invention of the first-ever Guam-inspired fusion taco. You're welcome, foodies!. Fact: Guam has a population density that's like a family reunion at Thanksgiving, but with fewer awkward conversations about politics..
• Headline: VIRGINIA IS UPHELD ON PICKETING CURB; Supreme Court, 7 to 2, Backs State on Enforcement of Right to Work Law. Impact: This Supreme Court ruling not only upheld Virginia's picketing curb but also inadvertently established the 'Right to Be Annoyed' law, which allows citizens to sue for excessive noise from political rallies. Oh, the irony!. Fact: Right to Work laws are often misunderstood in Virginia, where many think it refers to the right to work on their tan instead of actual jobs..
• Headline: GRUNEWALD PLEADS SICK; Says Contempt Trial, to Start Today, Poses Health Risk. Impact: Grunewald's health scare led to a nationwide awareness campaign on the importance of health during legal proceedings, resulting in the phrase 'I plead the fifth, but only after my yoga session' becoming a popular catchphrase.. Fact: Contempt of court charges have historically been the favorite pastime of bored lawyers. It’s like Monopoly, but everyone ends up in jail..
• Headline: Article 6 -- No Title. Impact: The reopening of Rothensee locks was so monumental that it inspired an entire generation of boat enthusiasts to form clubs, leading to a boom in nautical-themed reality shows. Who knew locks could unlock such drama?. Fact: Locks have been around since ancient times, but it was only recently that they started getting the credit for their pivotal role in boat traffic..
• Headline: U. N. AND U. S. HELP HAITI FIGHT YAWS; Antibiotic Injections Rapidly Wiping Out Disease Once Infecting 1,000,000. Impact: The WHO and US efforts to wipe out yaws led to a global health initiative that ultimately inspired a series of superhero movies where antibiotics became the unlikely heroes saving the day. Watch out, Marvel!. Fact: Yaws is a disease so rare that it was once thought to be a myth, like unicorns or affordable housing in major cities..
• Headline: SPAIN TO BE IN POOL TALKS; 16 European Nations Admit Her to Agriculture Discussion. Impact: Spain's inclusion in agricultural talks led to a series of culinary treaties that culminated in the global acceptance of paella as a legitimate breakfast food. Because who doesn’t want rice and seafood to start their day?. Fact: Spain’s contribution to agriculture is so significant that they’ve officially been designated the 'Land of Endless Tapas.'.
• Headline: Army Sets 1-Year Chaplain Duty. Impact: The Army's decision to extend chaplain duty ultimately led to the creation of the first ever 'Spiritual Fitness' boot camp, where soldiers learned to meditate their way through boot camp. Namaste, soldiers!. Fact: Chaplains in the military have been around since the days of knights and horses, proving that even in battle, someone’s got to provide spiritual support – or at least a good cup of coffee..