JANUARY 16, 1953

Full News Archive

• Headline: Troast Files for Jersey Governor Nomination. Impact: The filing of Troast's petition set off a series of events that led to the formation of an underground network of political pranksters who would later influence meme culture, one sarcastic tweet at a time. Who knew an obscure gubernatorial filing could lead to modern-day trolling?. Fact: Fun fact: P L Troast's name is often mispronounced as 'Trost' by those who failed to read the fine print on their voter registration forms..
• Headline: City Allocates Funds for Job Plan Study. Impact: This $190,000 job plan study kickstarted a legendary cycle of bureaucratic studies, which eventually resulted in the creation of the 'Bureau of Studies on Bureaucratic Studies'. The irony is, nobody ever studies the studies.. Fact: In a shocking twist, the job plan study revealed that over 90% of job plans involve more planning and less actual jobs..
• Headline: New Division in City Police Courts. Impact: By forming a new division, the police inadvertently strengthened the 'Social Problems' unit's ability to host awkward town hall meetings that have yet to solve any social issues. Good job, everyone!. Fact: Chief Magistrate Murtagh's middle name is 'Reform', which is ironic considering the only thing he’s managed to reform is his coffee order..
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: Darwin's 'The Next Million Years' inadvertently inspired generations of sci-fi writers to create dystopian futures where humans are merely pets to their AI overlords. So thanks, Darwin, for ruining our future!. Fact: If you read 'The Next Million Years' while riding a rollercoaster, you understand the true meaning of ups and downs..
• Headline: Jelke Trial Is Postponed. Impact: The postponement of the Jelke trial led to an unforeseen domino effect, causing lawyers around the nation to perfect the art of dragging cases out, ensuring they would never run out of billable hours.. Fact: The most common phrase in law schools everywhere is 'I object!' followed closely by 'Let's postpone that.'.
• Headline: OIL TALKS IN IRAN NEAR FINAL STAGE; Premier and U. S. Envoy Meet Again on Issue With Britain -- Teheran Is Optimistic OIL TALKS IN IRAN NEAR FINAL STAGE. Impact: The optimism surrounding the oil talks in Iran created an illusion of stability that would later be shattered by a series of geopolitical mishaps, leading to the phrase 'What could possibly go wrong?' being coined by future diplomats.. Fact: Mossadegh's favorite pastime was playing chess, which is ironic considering he was often outplayed by the geopolitical game of oil..
• Headline: RISE OF $90,000,000 URGED FOR SCHOOLS; Albany Bills Alloting a Third to This City Are Backed by Private Educational Group. Impact: The call for an increased budget for schools ignited a chain reaction of funding debates, leading to the establishment of a 'Department of Excessive Budget Requests' that still haunts local governments today.. Fact: Despite the funding, there’s still a shortage of pencils in classrooms. Guess they can't budget for those essentials!.
• Headline: BUDGET COMMISSION URGES TRANSIT UNIT; Proposes Authority Free From Politics That Would Adjust Fares, Policies Gradually. Impact: The proposal for a transit authority free from politics led to a series of bureaucratic committees, each more tedious than the last, ultimately resulting in the phrase 'Let’s just walk' becoming an urban mantra.. Fact: The only thing more complicated than public transit policies is understanding how to fold a map. Good luck with that!.