JULY 10, 1952

Full News Archive

• Headline: DR. CHARLES F. KRAEMER. Impact: Dr. Kraemer’s existence somehow led to the development of a prestigious medical school that only admitted students who could recite the alphabet backward. This has resulted in a dramatic increase in confused applicants.. Fact: The title 'Doctor' has been misused throughout history, often by people who can’t even cure a common cold..
• Headline: COL. HENRY MULLINS. Impact: Colonel Mullins' lengthy life inspired a new trend in military service, where soldiers began to believe that if they just hung around long enough, they’d eventually be promoted to Colonel too. Spoiler: it doesn't work that way.. Fact: The average lifespan of a colonel is longer than that of most house plants, proving that sometimes, all you need is a little sunlight and water...or a good military strategy..
• Headline: EISENHOWER CAMP BARS TEXAS 'DEAL'; Rejects Bid to Seat General's Bloc in Return for Aid on Naming Committeeman. Impact: Eisenhower's refusal of the Texas deal led to a series of awkward family gatherings where relatives would argue about who should be the next committee member, ultimately resulting in a new reality show about political nepotism.. Fact: Did you know that political deals are like bad relationships? You think you can make it work, but someone always ends up getting burned..
• Headline: ARTHUR F. KWIS. Impact: Arthur F. Kwis' legacy changed the game for all future Kwi's, leading them to embark on a quest to prove that they could be just as successful as their more famous counterparts, even if that meant becoming local legends at the annual bake sale.. Fact: The name 'Arthur' is derived from the Celtic word for bear, which is fitting, considering how many people would rather wrestle a bear than go through an awkward introduction with someone named Arthur..
• Headline: A SHOW FOR DEMOCRATS'; Thus Kerr Describes Republican National Convention. Impact: Kerr’s comments led to a decades-long tradition of political conventions being more about the show than the substance, inspiring a new genre of political theater that ultimately culminated in the production of 'Hamilton'.. Fact: Political conventions used to be serious affairs until someone decided that adding a dance number would make them more entertaining. Spoiler: it didn’t..
• Headline: REV. NORMAN H. CAMP. Impact: Rev. Camp's influence sent ripples through the community, encouraging a wave of people to start churches that doubled as coffee shops, which led to the global phenomenon of 'spiritual lattes'.. Fact: Reverends often get mistaken for baristas, especially when they start telling people how to 'espresso' their feelings..
• Headline: C. GAGER PHILLIPS. Impact: C. Gager Phillips' contributions to society led to the creation of the first ‘Gager’ awards, which are now given out annually to those who manage to avoid any actual work while still claiming to be productive.. Fact: The name 'Gager' is derived from the old English word meaning 'to avoid work at all costs'. Who knew?.