JULY 8, 1952

Full News Archive

• Headline: Harbor Deepening Project Approved. Impact: By deepening the harbor, future generations would unknowingly set the stage for an explosion of shipping traffic, which eventually leads to the invention of the world's first floating donut shop. Yes, you read that right. Donuts on the ocean!. Fact: Harbor plans are basically the adult version of digging a hole in the backyard—except with more paperwork and fewer toys..
• Headline: Truman Tunes into 1952 Convention. Impact: Truman’s decision to watch his rivals on TV led to the creation of political reality shows, which ultimately paved the way for people to believe that politics is just another form of entertainment—hence the Kardashians.. Fact: Watching political debates on TV is like going to a buffet: you leave feeling bloated and regretful..
• Headline: Record G.E. Stockholder Engagement in 1952. Impact: The sheer number of stockholders led to the eventual rise of the 'everyone is a critic' culture, where millions now feel entitled to express their opinions on everything from stocks to the latest superhero movie.. Fact: 253,819 stockholders sounds impressive until you realize that’s about how many people think they can give you stock market advice at a party..
• Headline: EISENHOWER FINDS VOTE 'HEARTENING'; General Says Contest Decision Means Party Merits Victory -- Wins Dollar on Ballot EISENHOWER FINDS VOTE 'HEARTENING'. Impact: Eisenhower's heartening vote led to a surge in campaign slogans involving the word 'heart,' which would eventually inspire countless cheesy love songs, proving once again that politics and romance are absurdly intertwined.. Fact: When politicians say a vote is 'heartening,' it usually means they had a good lunch before the announcement..
• Headline: Manning Says Atom Ships May Capture Ribbon Soon. Impact: The development of atom-powered ships sparked a race for cleaner energy, eventually leading to the creation of more environmentally friendly vessels, which ironically contributed to the rise of hipster sailing clubs.. Fact: The only thing faster than an atom-powered ship is the rate at which the hipster community will claim it as their own..
• Headline: PRISON TERM URGED FOR FALSE ALARMS. Impact: The push for prison terms for false alarms set a precedent that would eventually lead to the invention of reality TV, where every dramatic moment is a false alarm waiting to happen.. Fact: False alarms are the only thing that gets you in trouble for being too dramatic—unlike your high school drama teacher..
• Headline: WEST INDIES LINES CUT SHIP SERVICE; Passenger Loss Is Blamed for End of Runs to Windward and Leeward Islands. Impact: The cut in ship service to the West Indies inadvertently led to a surge in vacationers being forced to find creative ways to get their sun and rum fix, ultimately leading to the invention of the inflatable palm tree.. Fact: Withdrawing ship services is basically just a really sad way of saying, 'Sorry, no more tropical vacations for you.'.
• Headline: SMOKE VIOLATORS PURSUED BY BOAT; 4-Hour Tour of Harbor First of Weekly Trips Planned to Cut Air Pollution. Impact: The crackdown on smoke violations eventually inspired a global movement for clean air, leading to all sorts of bizarre new laws, including one about not being allowed to light a barbecue without a permit.. Fact: Smoke violators were once considered the rebels of the air quality world, like punk rockers for the environment..
• Headline: Stassen, Facing Revolt, Says He'll Not Quit Race. Impact: Stassen’s refusal to quit the race led to the resurgence of the phrase 'never give up,' which inspired countless motivational posters and the inevitable rise of internet memes.. Fact: Stubbornness in politics is basically the same as trying to finish a slice of cake when you’re already full—noble, yet slightly sad..