NOVEMBER 26, 1951

Full News Archive

• Headline: Korea Truce Map Debate Intensifies. Impact: If the UN hadn't granted safe conduct guarantees, perhaps a time traveler would have gotten lost in the Korean War, leading to an alternate timeline where they accidentally convinced the two sides to settle their differences over donuts instead. Who knew pastries could bring peace?. Fact: Did you know that the 'white panels' on vehicles were actually an early prototype of the modern car's paint job? Just kidding, they were just to avoid being mistaken for enemy forces. But wouldn't it be hilarious if they ended up being fashionable?.
• Headline: Cuban Minister Resigns After Prison Break. Impact: Curti's resignation sparked a chain reaction leading to a series of ineffective ministers in Cuba, ultimately resulting in a reality TV show in the 21st century starring revolutionaries, which nobody wanted to watch, but somehow became a cultural phenomenon.. Fact: Fun fact: Curti's escape plan was actually just a poorly thought-out game of hide and seek. Spoiler alert: he lost..
• Headline: Tragic Coal Gas Incident in NYC. Impact: The gas incident led to a worldwide campaign for better ventilation, which inadvertently inspired a genre of dystopian novels about people trapped in poorly ventilated apartments, forever wondering if they should have just opened a window.. Fact: Did you know that coal gas was once used to power streetlights? Imagine walking down a street lit by gas and thinking, 'Wow, this is romantic!' until you realize it's just a gas leak..
• Headline: Yale Receives Portrait Of Former Medical Dean. Impact: Dr. Blake's portrait became a legendary artifact that future generations believed contained the secret to eternal youth. Spoiler alert: it was just a really good paint job.. Fact: Did you know that Yale's medical dean was also known for his incredible ability to avoid retirement parties? Maybe he thought they were just a plot to get him to leave..
• Headline: ITALIAN RED RALLY FAILS; Demonstration Against Atlantic Treaty Draws Only 600. Impact: The failure of the Italian Red Rally led to a series of increasingly ridiculous protest methods, culminating in an event where protesters tried to rally by simply yelling at the sky. It was very effective—at getting the attention of passing birds.. Fact: Did you know that the protest was so underwhelming that even the pigeons were like, 'Yeah, we have better things to do'? Talk about a flop!.
• Headline: Wilt and Ashenfelter Run Dead Heat in Metroplitan A.A.U. Cross-Country; WINGED FOOTERS FINISH EVEN IN TITLE RUN. Impact: The dead heat in the cross-country event inspired a new Olympic sport: competitive tie-breaking, which is now a staple of the Winter Games. Who knew running in circles could lead to such innovation?. Fact: Did you know that Wilt and Ashenfelter were so equally matched that they once pondered if they should just finish the race by flipping a coin? Spoiler alert: the coin got tired..
• Headline: Sermon on Criticism 'a Diner,' Truman Tells Key West Chaplain; PRESIDENT PRAISES SERMON ON CRITICS. Impact: Truman's sermon led to an entire genre of motivational speeches in the future, where leaders learned to blame their critics instead of addressing issues. So, basically, nothing changed.. Fact: Did you know that Truman's favorite criticism was directed at his own hairstyle? He always claimed it was a 'thinking cap'—the more ridiculous the hairstyle, the deeper the thought..
• Headline: M'GRATH PROMISES AID IN TAX INQUIRY; Attorney General Asserts He Will Give Data to House Unit, Yet Preserve 'Confidences'. Impact: M'Grath's promise to aid in the tax inquiry led to an entire generation of conspiracy theorists who believed that tax data was actually a secret code for time travel. Spoiler: they were just really bad at math.. Fact: Did you know that inflation is still considered public enemy number one? But honestly, if it had a face, it would probably be wearing a clown nose..