SEPTEMBER 26, 1951

Full News Archive

• Headline: James A. Pollock's Important Contributions. Impact: The birth of James A. Pollock went unnoticed, but what if he had invented a time machine? The future would be a chaotic blend of 18th-century fashion and hoverboards. Thanks, James, for nothing!. Fact: James A. Pollock’s biggest achievement might just be sharing a name with a famous painter. Spoiler: He didn’t paint anything..
• Headline: College Star Seeks Back Pay Controversy. Impact: E E Nemeth's request for back pay might have inspired college athletes everywhere to demand payment. Little did they know, this would eventually lead to NIL deals, where athletes get paid more for selfies than for touchdowns!. Fact: 26 bucks for a week of injury? Sounds like a solid deal if you want to excel in the art of being underpaid..
• Headline: Frederic W. Meert Passes Away. Impact: Frederic W. Meert’s death sent shockwaves through the stockbroker community, causing a mass exodus of brokers to reconsider their life choices. Many took up knitting instead – the stock market had never looked so colorful!. Fact: At 78, Frederic Meert had probably seen more market crashes than a stock ticker on a rollercoaster..
• Headline: ISRAELIS ACCLAIM IMPELLITTERI'S AID; Mayor of Jerusalem Calls Him One of the 'Stanchest Friends' of New Nation. Impact: Mayor Impellitteri being lauded in Jerusalem might have sparked an international dinner party craze, leading to future leaders believing that all their problems could be solved over dinner and a nice bottle of wine.. Fact: When they say 'one of the stanchest friends,' they really mean he brought the best hummus to the table..
• Headline: Yugoslav Dancer Cancels Exile. Impact: The return of F Jelincic and his dance troupe from exile is a classic case of 'you can take the dancer out of Yugoslavia, but you can't take the Yugoslavia out of the dancer.' This led to a resurgence of Balkan dance parties across Europe.. Fact: Dancing is the best way to express yourself - unless you’re doing the Macarena, then it's just embarrassing..
• Headline: Sweden Orders Ouster Of Soviet Embassy Aide. Impact: Sweden’s ousting of a Soviet embassy aide caused a ripple that would eventually lead to a series of awkward diplomatic dinners, where everyone pretended to enjoy the food while secretly plotting espionage.. Fact: When it comes to international relations, nothing says 'I trust you' like kicking out your neighbor's spy!.
• Headline: House Greets Danish Minister. Impact: Meeting the Danish Minister? That probably led to endless discussions about pastries, leading to a global pastry shortage in the years to come. Can you imagine a world without Danish pastries? A true nightmare!. Fact: The only thing more exciting than a House greeting is... well, nothing. It’s still pretty boring..
• Headline: DAVID LOWE SR.. Impact: David Lowe Sr.'s presence in the news reminded everyone that sometimes, just showing up is half the battle. This inspired countless 'just showing up' memes throughout history.. Fact: Being a 'Sr.' means he probably had a 'Jr.' running around, trying to figure out how to avoid becoming a headline..
• Headline: JESSUP IS ACCUSED AS RED PARTY LINER; Northwestern U. Educator Says Envoy-at-Large Upheld Policy of Soviet in U.N. Speeches Truman Reiterates Stand Names Others as in Bloc. Impact: Ambassador Jessup's accusations of being a Red Party liner likely sent ripples through academia, making professors everywhere nervously check their political views before giving lectures.. Fact: Accusations of being a Communist in the 20th century were like today’s social media trolls – everyone had an opinion and no one was ever really correct..
• Headline: Narcotics Sales Laid To War Dead Escort; SERGEANT IS SEIZED IN NARCOTICS SALES. Impact: The arrest of Sergeant E F Gentry for narcotics sales while serving as a war dead escort created a new level of distrust for military personnel, leading to a future where everyone assumed their Uber driver was also a drug dealer.. Fact: Using your military position for narcotics sales: not exactly the kind of heroism they teach in boot camp..