SEPTEMBER 19, 1951

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Life of Paul Schmidt. Impact: If Paul Schmidt had never existed, a butterfly flapping its wings in the Amazon might have led to someone else being named Paul Schmidt. The universe is full of possibilities, and we all know naming conventions are the bedrock of civilization. Fact: Did you know that there are more people named Paul Schmidt than there are species of birds in North America? Okay, that was a lie, but it could be true!.
• Headline: HADACOL Show Goes Off the Road. Impact: The end of the Hadacol Show signifies the beginning of a new era in which traveling medicine shows would be replaced by infomercials. Who knew we were just one ‘undignified’ act away from the magic of late-night TV?. Fact: Hadacol was basically a magic potion with the ingredients of snake oil and a sprinkle of desperation. Who wouldn't want to buy that?.
• Headline: GELETT BURGESS, HUMORIST, IS DEAD; Author of the Famous 'Purple Cow' Verse Began Career as Railroad Draftsman Founded Magazine, Lark. Impact: Gelett Burgess's death meant the world lost a humorist, which eventually resulted in the rise of countless terrible dad jokes. The universe has a funny way of balancing humor. Fact: The 'Purple Cow' poem has inspired more existential crises than any philosophy class. I mean, who really wants to think about purple cows anyway?.
• Headline: Commercial Failures Rise. Impact: The rise of commercial failures might have led to the invention of the 'failure resume.' Just think about all the companies that could have used it to brag about their epic fails!. Fact: It’s estimated that four out of five startups fail. If only they had a crystal ball instead of a business plan!.
• Headline: U.S. SHUNS TASS DECISION; Question of Exclusion Left to Press Group in Congress. Impact: The decision to shun the TASS reporters might have sparked a new trend of 'who can we ignore next?' in politics, leading to the eventual rise of social media influencers. Fact: In Congress, ignoring the press is like trying to eat soup with a fork. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Named Department Head In N.Y.U. Arts College. Impact: H.H. Kendler's appointment as department head might have inspired a multitude of students to pursue psychology, resulting in an overabundance of therapists and an underabundance of people willing to share their feelings. Fact: Psychology majors are the only people who can analyze your problems while having a complete meltdown of their own. Who's the real therapist here?.
• Headline: Ulcer Diets Held Unnecessary. Impact: Dr. E.A. Marshall declaring ulcer diets unnecessary may have inadvertently led to the rise of the 'I’m going to eat whatever I want because life is short' movement. Cheers to that!. Fact: Before this groundbreaking discovery, people thought they could just diet their way out of ulcers. Spoiler alert: they couldn't!.