SEPTEMBER 14, 1951

Full News Archive

• Headline: Surge in Malaria Cases Reported. Impact: The increase in malaria cases led to a nationwide panic about mosquito repellent, resulting in an unintentional boom in the candle-making industry, as people mistakenly believed that scented candles could ward off malaria. This eventually sparked the 'Candle Craze of 2025', where artisanal candle makers became the new rock stars.. Fact: Malaria has been around longer than most of us have had Wi-Fi. It's like that one guest who never leaves the party..
• Headline: Gunman Steals $7,365 from Ice Cream Company. Impact: The gunman’s heist at the ice cream company prompted a nationwide debate on the need for ice cream security, leading to the establishment of the 'Ice Cream Defense League'—a group dedicated to protecting frozen treats from future threats. They later went on to invent the 'Ice Cream Shield', which was just a glorified umbrella.. Fact: Ice cream trucks have been known to spawn more joy than any therapy session, yet here we are, with a robbery instead of a sweet treat..
• Headline: Quill's Failed Charges and $70 Million Estimate. Impact: The back-and-forth over the Rockaway Spur project led to so much hot air being generated that environmentalists claim it contributed to global warming. In a twist of fate, it also inspired a popular board game called 'Blatherskite', where players argue over imaginary funds.. Fact: When politicians use the word 'blatherskite', it’s like a magic incantation that just makes everyone a little more confused..
• Headline: Truman Declines Legion's Bid. Impact: Truman's refusal to address the Legion's bid led to a mysterious surge in the popularity of karaoke at American Legion halls. Who knew that the absence of a presidential address could lead to endless renditions of 'My Way'?. Fact: Declining invitations to speak is practically a sport for politicians. The more they say no, the better they get at it..
• Headline: Alaska Patrol Squadron Grounded After 'Baffling' Series of Crashes. Impact: The grounding of the Alaska Patrol Squadron after a series of crashes resulted in a sudden spike in demand for aviation-themed therapy sessions, where participants could vent their fears while painting model planes.. Fact: Sometimes, planes just want to take a break too. They might be tired of all that flying around, right?.
• Headline: Army Gives G.I. Course in Basic Gambling: 'Don't Do It and, Anyway, Don't Get Cheated'. Impact: The Army's course on basic gambling inadvertently produced a generation of soldiers who could detect a scam from a mile away but still fell for the classic 'I’m from the government and I’m here to help' line.. Fact: Teaching soldiers about gambling is like teaching fish about swimming—it’s either redundant or a recipe for trouble..
• Headline: WORLD BANK BACKS U.N.; Fund Also Endorses Proposals for Maintaining Peace. Impact: The World Bank's endorsement of the U.N. inadvertently led to a dramatic increase in the use of acronyms in international relations, eventually resulting in the creation of an international 'Acronym Summit', where representatives competed to create the most convoluted abbreviation.. Fact: The only thing longer than an international treaty is the list of acronyms that accompany it..
• Headline: OFFICIALS LOSE USE OF 133 CITY AUTOS; Order by Mayor Takes Them From Administrative Aides to Save $492,361 a Year OFFICIALS LOSE USE OF 133 CITY AUTOS Restrictions on Other Cars Jurists Deprived of Autos. Impact: The mayor's decision to withdraw city autos sparked a city-wide cycling revolution that later inspired a popular sitcom called 'Two Wheels and a Mayor', which was cancelled after one season due to a lack of plot.. Fact: Removing cars from officials is like taking candy from a baby—messy and likely to end with a lot of crying..