SEPTEMBER 13, 1951

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dalai Lama's Brother Arrives in US. Impact: The arrival of Jyalo Thondup set off a chain reaction that would lead to a surge in interest in Tibetan Buddhism in the West, resulting in countless hipsters trying to find enlightenment through overpriced yoga classes and overpriced incense.. Fact: Fun fact: The Dalai Lama's brother probably didn't expect to be the catalyst for every coffee shop's 'Zen corner.'.
• Headline: Javits Proposes Skilled Alien Admission Bill. Impact: This push for skilled immigrants eventually paved the way for Silicon Valley to become the tech utopia it is today, where everyone is either a millionaire or a barista with a dream.. Fact: It turns out, the only aliens most politicians are afraid of are the ones not bringing their skills to the job market!.
• Headline: Carpet Sales Surge in 1951. Impact: The surge in carpet sales somehow led to a national obsession with home decor, resulting in a reality TV show about competitive carpet installation that no one asked for.. Fact: Did you know that the average American spends more time choosing a carpet than choosing a life partner? Priorities, right?.
• Headline: Theatres Packed, Fans Stampede At Video Showings of Title Fight; True Mass Participation Shown by Crowds --20 Are Cut in Chicago as Windows Are Broken, Doors Battered Down Sold Out Since Labor Day Manager Sighs in Relief Police Called in Chicago. Impact: This chaotic event showcased the power of televised sports, eventually leading to the modern phenomenon of fans fighting over the last nacho at the local bar.. Fact: Who knew that the quest for entertainment could turn into a scene straight out of a zombie apocalypse movie? 'The Walking Dead: Sports Edition.'.
• Headline: UNITY IS ADVANCED AT 3-POWER TALKS; THE 'BIG THREE' OPEN MEETINGS IN WASHINGTON. Impact: These talks set the stage for the Cold War dynamics that would influence global politics for decades, and somehow led to the creation of standardized coffee breaks that are now essential in meetings.. Fact: If only the 'Big Three' had realized that unity could have been achieved over a shared love of donuts..
• Headline: TITO PLANS TO RENEW COLLECTIVIZING FARMS. Impact: Tito's collectivization plans would later inspire a series of agricultural reforms that turned farming into an adventure game, where players could lose their crops and hope for a government bailout.. Fact: Collectivization: because who wouldn’t want to farm communally with strangers instead of enjoying their own peaceful land?.
• Headline: Colgate to Drop Hockey. Impact: The decision to drop hockey led to a series of unfortunate events where students took to the ice with their toothbrushes, sparking a bizarre underground sport that only the most dedicated dental hygiene advocates would appreciate.. Fact: Colgate's brand is now synonymous with clean teeth, but who knew they also had a secret ambition to become the leading sponsor of future Olympic toothbrush hockey?.
• Headline: 20 NATIONS CERTIFY TO CURBINGRED TRADE. Impact: This certification could be seen as the genesis of modern trade agreements, which are now so convoluted that reading one feels like deciphering ancient hieroglyphics.. Fact: Exempting Ireland and Iceland just shows that even in trade, geography can be as random as a game of Monopoly gone wrong..
• Headline: Postal Clerks Elect New Yorker. Impact: The election of S Klein as president of postal clerks marked the beginning of a long and noble tradition of postal workers having more drama in their leadership elections than a soap opera.. Fact: Who knew that postal clerks had elections? Next, we’ll find out about the thrilling world of pigeon post governance!.