AUGUST 30, 1951

Full News Archive

• Headline: Canberra Jet Bomber Aims for Atlantic Record. Impact: This jet's Atlantic crossing could have inspired a new generation of aviators, but instead, it just led to a plethora of dad jokes about jet lag across future generations. 'Hey, you wanna hear about my flight?' 'Sure, how was it?' 'Jetlagged!'. Fact: Did you know that jet lag was originally called 'air travel hangover' before it was rebranded to sound more serious? Marketing teams really know how to spin a story..
• Headline: Recount Scheduled in New Rochelle Election. Impact: The New Rochelle recount may have been the catalyst for the infamous 'Recount Wars' of the 2000s, where ballots became more coveted than gold bars. In fact, a black market for votes emerged, leading to some very shady poker games.. Fact: Did you know that recounts are basically the political equivalent of a toddler throwing a tantrum until they get their way? Just a little more bureaucratic and a lot less cute..
• Headline: BOARD TO EXAMINE SALARIES OF STARS; Group Named to Make Plans to Bar Inflationary Rises in Entertainment Field. Impact: The study of celebrity salaries could have led to a world where actors were paid in exposure and Instagram followers. Fortunately, we dodged that bullet, but who knows? Maybe the next Hollywood blockbuster will star a potato.. Fact: Did you know that the average salary for a movie star in 1947 could buy you a small island? Just kidding, but it was enough to buy a decent car or a fancy dinner – maybe not both..
• Headline: McCarthy Attacked by Tobin; V.F.W. to Hear Reply Today; SECRETARY OF LABOR TALKS TO VETERANS OF FOREIGN WARS. Impact: Senator Tobin's attack on McCarthy may have sparked a chain reaction that resulted in a secret club of politicians developing their own secret handshakes. Unfortunately, the handshakes were so complicated, they never caught on.. Fact: Did you know that the V.F.W. had a secret handshake that involved a lot of awkward hand movements? It was the 'let's avoid talking about the war' gesture..
• Headline: Truman Sets Arlington Interment For Indian Denied 'White' Burial; FAMILY OF SOLDIER INVOLVED IN BURIAL ROW. Impact: Truman's decision to inter the soldier at Arlington could have set a precedent for future burials, leading to a trend where everyone wanted to be buried in fancy places. You know, like the Hollywood Hills but with a little less glitz.. Fact: Did you know that Arlington National Cemetery was once a plantation? Makes you wonder how many picnics were held before it became a resting place for heroes..
• Headline: Two Agronomists Honored. Impact: The recognition of agronomists could have led to a global obsession with plant-based diets, but instead, we got a rise in fast food chains. Thank you, agronomy, for making my burger possible.. Fact: Did you know that agronomy is one of the few professions where you can literally dig into your work? Just don't expect any high-fives for a job well done..
• Headline: LATHAM WILL ATTACK CITY SPENDING POLICY. Impact: Latham's attack on city spending policies might have inspired future politicians to invent the concept of 'creative budgeting,' which basically means throwing darts at a wall of expenses and seeing what sticks.. Fact: Did you know that city spending policies are just like New Year’s resolutions? Everyone makes them but nobody sticks to them!.
• Headline: BYRNES HITS POLICE IN 2 KLAN BEATINGS. Impact: Byrnes' confirmation of police inefficiency could have led to an increase in vigilante justice, giving rise to a generation of caped crusaders who had really bad fashion sense.. Fact: Did you know that police inefficiency is like a bad sitcom? It keeps getting renewed for seasons, but no one really knows why..
• Headline: U.S. PLANES CARRIED 3 TO DEMOCRATIC RALLY. Impact: The use of government planes for political rallies might have inspired an entire generation of politicians to start 'taking the high road' — literally! They just needed a better excuse to fly first class.. Fact: Did you know that using government planes is basically the political equivalent of showing up to a potluck with store-bought cookies? Everyone knows, but no one says anything..