JUNE 30, 1951

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring Companions in Literature. Impact: This article sparked a minor revolution in literary circles, leading to the establishment of the 'Quotation Marks Appreciation Society,' which ultimately influenced the way people communicated for decades. Who knew a mere punctuation mark could start a cult?. Fact: Did you know that the average person uses quotation marks incorrectly 75% of the time? So basically, this article is about as relevant as a rotary phone in 2023..
• Headline: New York Considers Permanent Voting Registry. Impact: This legislative consideration led to a nationwide obsession with voter registration lists, eventually resulting in a reality TV show called 'Who Wants to Register?' where contestants battle for the ultimate prize: democracy.. Fact: The term 'permanent personal registry' sounds like something a villain in a dystopian movie would implement. Spoiler alert: they never win..
• Headline: CANAL ZONE SET-UP SIGNED; Truman Affirms Reorganization Effective Tomorrow. Impact: Truman's signing of the Canal Zone set-up is what ultimately led to the rise of 'canal tourism' and the regrettable invention of the 'Canal Zone selfie stick' craze. Thanks, Truman.. Fact: The Panama Canal is so famous that it has its own fan club. Seriously, people write fan fiction about canals now!.
• Headline: SNEAD TOPS FURGOL IN 21-HOLE BATTLE; END OF FIRST-ROUND MATCH ON LINKS. Impact: Snead's victory led to the establishment of an annual '21-Hole Golf Championship,' which is now a popular event for people who can't count past 18 but still want to feel fancy.. Fact: Golf is the only sport where you can drink beer while playing and still call it a sport. Take that, marathons!.
• Headline: LEGION URN TO ITALY; Vase With Arlington Cemetery Earth to Adorn Monument. Impact: The urn sent to Italy became a national treasure, inspiring future generations to send random objects to foreign countries in a bizarre attempt at diplomacy. Thanks to this, we now have a statue of a rubber chicken in Florence.. Fact: The Arlington Cemetery earth is now more traveled than most people. It’s like the ultimate frequent flyer, but without the miles..
• Headline: 87 Policemen Sworn In. Impact: The swearing-in of 87 policemen led to a nationwide trend of rookie cops trying to outdo each other in the 'most ridiculous law enforcement story.' Spoiler: they all involve donuts.. Fact: The number of donuts consumed by police officers during training is a closely guarded secret. Some say it rivals the national GDP..
• Headline: SMALL HEADS TURF GROUP; Racing Commissioners Name Official From Maryland. Impact: The turf group’s naming led to a series of turf wars that had absolutely nothing to do with grass. It was all about who could come up with the best turf-related puns.. Fact: The term 'turf' originally referred to a type of grass, but now it’s mostly used to describe people fighting over who gets to be pretentious about their lawn care..