MARCH 8, 1951

Full News Archive

• Headline: McGoldrick Discusses Rent Increases. Impact: If only McGoldrick had offered a free pizza with every rent increase, maybe we could have avoided the Great Pizza Wars of 2050, where slice prices skyrocketed due to 'demand' from the upper crust.. Fact: Did you know that rent increases are often more popular than root canals? At least one of them comes with a built-in excuse for your landlord’s terrible cooking..
• Headline: Legal Aid Branch Launch in East Harlem. Impact: This new branch of legal aid in East Harlem led to a chain reaction of increased access to justice, ultimately resulting in a new reality TV show where lawyers argue over who gets the last slice of pizza in a courtroom.. Fact: Fun fact: Legal aid offices are like the superheroes of the law world, but without the capes and with significantly more paperwork..
• Headline: New Coordinator for Social Sciences Announced. Impact: The appointment of a social sciences coordinator at Hunter was the first step toward the eventual rise of the Social Science Avengers, who fought crime by analyzing it until it became too complicated.. Fact: Did you know that social sciences can solve almost anything? Except, of course, for the mystery of where all your missing socks go..
• Headline: Crime Witness Who Balked at TV Voted in Contempt by Senate Unit; WITNESS IS CITED FOR BALK AT VIDEO. Impact: The contempt ruling against Carroll for balking at being televised led to the rise of reality TV, where everyone involved is in contempt of taste.. Fact: Did you know that being on TV doesn't actually make you more credible? Just ask any reality star who claims to be a 'business mogul.'.
• Headline: DEWEY PROPOSES PRIVATE OPERATION OF THE LONG ISLAND; Urges the Legislature to Help in Reorganizing of Road by Granting Concessions UPSTATE OBJECTIONS MET Governor Calls Ownership by Authority Last Resort, but It Would Set Up New Plan State Operation Is Last Resort Dewey Suggests 3 Changes DEWEY PROPOSES PRIVATE L.I. ROAD. Impact: Dewey's proposal for private operation of the Long Island road led to a future where roads were bought and sold like candy bars, and traffic jams were sponsored by snack companies.. Fact: Fun fact: If roads were actually owned by candy companies, we'd probably have more chocolate rivers and less potholes. Sweet dreams!.
• Headline: U.N. CHIEF AT FRONT; U.N. COMMANDER ON VISIT TO FRONT. Impact: The U.N. commander's visit to the front was the catalyst for diplomatic tourist packages, allowing future generations to visit historic battlefields and ponder why they didn't bring snacks.. Fact: Did you know that peace negotiations often require more snacks than actual negotiation skills? It’s a proven fact that cookies can solve world issues..
• Headline: BOOK NEWS AWARDS SET; Daily Newspapers Are Honored for Excellence of Criticism. Impact: The awards for newspaper excellence led to an unexpected spike in journalists believing they were also eligible for an Oscar. Spoiler alert: they weren't.. Fact: Did you know that newspapers used to be the primary source of news? Now, they’re more like that old friend who always shows up uninvited at the party..
• Headline: EUROPE GETS PART IN COMMODITY RULE; 3-Power Raw Materials Body in Washington Gives Role to Marshall Plan Council Reaction to U.S. Stockpiling. Impact: Europe's involvement in commodity rules was the first step towards an international barter system where countries traded coffee for chocolate instead of boring old currency.. Fact: Fun fact: If countries really traded in coffee and chocolate, the United Nations could easily resolve conflicts over a latte..
• Headline: RED LINK CHARGE DENIED; Educator Is Accused of Filing Incorrect Data for Atom Post. Impact: The denial of the 'Red Link' charge led to a future where educators had to prove their innocence in public forums, paving the way for the reality show 'Caught in the Classroom.'. Fact: Did you know that filing incorrect data can lead to serious consequences? Just ask your high school teacher who tried to calculate their age in dog years..
• Headline: LATTIMORE SPEAKS; Address at Baltimore College Delivered Without Incident. Impact: Lattimore's calm address at Baltimore College inspired future speakers to believe that delivering a speech without incident was the ultimate power move, leading to a series of boring but safe seminars.. Fact: Did you know that public speaking is the number one fear in America? Right after running out of coffee on Monday morning, of course..