JANUARY 13, 1951

Full News Archive

• Headline: General Foods Relocates to White Plains. Impact: When General Foods decided to leave New York, it set off a chain reaction of office relocations. Soon after, every company in the city started Googling 'how to be less popular' and 'how to convince employees that White Plains is actually cool.' Little did they know, this led to a shortage of pizza in NYC and a boom in artisanal kale in White Plains.. Fact: Did you know White Plains is the only place where you can have a meeting while simultaneously wondering why you left the vibrant chaos of NYC for a life of suburbia? It's like trading a high-speed train for a leisurely stroll through a retirement community..
• Headline: KEY HILL IS SEIZED; REDS HALTED AT ROAD HUB BUT STRIKE SOUTH. Impact: The fierce battle over Key Hill became the catalyst for the phrase 'hill wars'—a term that later inspired a popular board game where players fight for control over imaginary hills instead of actual geography, proving that humans will always find a way to be petty.. Fact: Did you know that the U.S. military's penchant for naming battles after geographical features has led to endless debates over who has the best hill? Spoiler alert: It’s always the hill that nobody wants..
• Headline: SCHOOL HONORS GOLDMAN; Students at Lincoln High Name Him for Service to City. Impact: Lincoln High's decision to honor E.F. Goldman set off a domino effect of awards in schools everywhere, leading to an explosion of awards ceremonies where absolutely everyone is recognized for 'Outstanding Attendance.'. Fact: Did you know that naming an award after someone is basically the academic equivalent of having a street named after you? Sure, it sounds prestigious, but you still have to deal with the traffic..
• Headline: THE CEASE-FIRE ISSUE. Impact: The cease-fire issue became the trigger for countless debates that ultimately led to the creation of 'Cease-Fire Bingo,' where participants could mark off terms like 'diplomatic solution' while pretending to listen to policy discussions.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'cease-fire' is simply a polite way of saying, 'Let’s take a break from not liking each other?' It’s like a timeout for adults with really big toys..
• Headline: 5-DAY TAX GRACE GRANTED; State Extends Time of Payment Because of Mail Pile-Up. Impact: The 5-day tax grace period turned into a national phenomenon, leading to the invention of 'Procrastination Day,' where citizens everywhere celebrated by delaying their tax payments and then pretending to be shocked by the penalties later.. Fact: Did you know that tax deadlines are just like birthdays? You know they’re coming, but you still wait until the last minute to do something about it, and then you just hope for the best..