DECEMBER 21, 1950

Full News Archive

• Headline: Slimmer Barkley Declares Health Update. Impact: Barkley's health check-up led to a fitness craze in the 80s, resulting in the creation of the 'Barkley Diet'—which was essentially just eating less and running more, leading to a generation of joggers who refused to stop talking about their 'runner's high'. Fact: Did you know that 'slimmer' is just a nicer way of saying 'less pizza'?.
• Headline: Gifford's Historic Arrival in London. Impact: Gifford's arrival in London inadvertently set off a series of awkward diplomatic dinners, where everyone pretended to enjoy haggis while secretly wishing they were back home eating pizza. Fact: Fun fact: The British still have no idea what to serve Americans that doesn’t involve a fried option!.
• Headline: Relief, Cynicism, Optimism Mark End of Atlantic Talks; Diplomats Feel Parley Settled Perimeter Issues Others Are Less Sanguine. Impact: The mixed feelings at the end of the talks resulted in future diplomacy discussions being conducted entirely via emojis to prevent any further misunderstandings—because nothing says 'let’s compromise' like a thumbs-up and a peace sign. Fact: Did you know that the 'sanguine' feeling actually means 'optimistic'? I guess that explains why all the diplomats ended up needing therapy!.
• Headline: 10,000 TAXI DRIVERS IN DEFENSE CORPS; Goal Is 35,000 Men, 11,800 Cabs for Emergency Duty With Police Division To Be Used as Couriers. Impact: This formation of the Emergency Taxi Corps led to a campaign to train drivers on how to navigate traffic while dodging bullets, ultimately inspiring a hit video game where you save the day by just being a really good cab driver. Fact: Did you know that taxi drivers are the true unsung heroes of the city? They know all the shortcuts and all the gossip!.
• Headline: ASK WIRE-TAP EXEMPTION; Armed Forces Want Privilege Despite Proposed Ban. Impact: This request for a wiretap exemption set off a series of debates that led to the invention of the phrase 'What happens in the military, stays in the military'—which is now used by college students everywhere to justify their questionable decisions. Fact: Fun fact: The military's idea of privacy is still just a good set of earplugs and the ability to sleep through anything.
• Headline: 'SURE DAM' SOUGHT; Ex-President Warns on Another Korea Unless Europe Arms Itself WOULD BAR FURTHER AID Calls for a 'Gibraltar' With Outposts in Britain and Japan --Condemns 'Lies' in U.N.. Impact: Hoover's warning led to the construction of numerous dams across Europe, inadvertently creating the world's largest collection of 'do not cross' signs, which still confuse tourists to this day. Fact: Did you know that Hoover Dam is named after a president who was more famous for his failed policies than for actually building dams? Irony at its finest!.
• Headline: U.S. and Latin Nations Set Parley To Bolster Hemisphere Defense; Council of Organization of American States Votes Unanimously to Hold Washington Meeting on Threat of Communism Washington Favored as Site Steps by U.S. Noted. Impact: This parley led to an influx of anti-communist propaganda that made the term 'communism' as popular as avocado toast among hipsters today—everyone claims to know what it is but few actually understand it. Fact: Did you know that the term 'parley' has nothing to do with pirates? But it sure sounds cool enough to make you want to wear an eyepatch!.