DECEMBER 18, 1950

Full News Archive

• Headline: 87-Year-Old Woman Returns to Rivet Gun. Impact: If only the Longstreet Widow had focused on knitting instead of rivet guns, perhaps we'd have a world where cozy sweaters replaced warfare tech. But here we are, still dodging flying rivets.. Fact: Did you know that the last time anyone used a rivet gun in a romantic context was in a very niche indie film? Spoiler: it didn't end well..
• Headline: British U.N. Aide Departs from U.S.. Impact: This British U.N. aide leaving the U.S. may have inadvertently set off a chain reaction that led to the invention of tea-flavored ice cream in the States. You're welcome, America.. Fact: Did you know that the British only leave when the weather is bad? So, basically, they never leave..
• Headline: Togliatti Leaves Rome for Moscow. Impact: Togliatti's departure was like the domino effect of Italian politics: one falls, and suddenly everyone’s rearranging their pasta recipes and power structures. Talk about a culinary coup!. Fact: Did you know that Togliatti was famous for his pasta recipes? Just kidding, but wouldn't that be a twist?.
• Headline: CHARLES A. BROOKS, EXECUTIVE OF A. & P.; Vice President Dies at 87--He Entered Firm 70 Years Ago --Headed Central Division. Impact: Brooks' 70-year tenure at A. & P. means he probably saw more grocery store trends than anyone else alive. His death might have caused a brief spike in cookie sales as people mourned him with snacks.. Fact: Did you know that the average person spends 67 days of their life in grocery stores? Brooks must have been a record holder!.
• Headline: BRITISH SHRUG OFF PROTEST BY SOVIET; View Blast on Rearming West Germans as 'Tactical Device' to Offset Brussels Talks. Impact: The British shrugging off Soviet protests is reminiscent of a global game of dodgeball where no one wants to get hit. Spoiler: they still got hit, just not in the way they expected.. Fact: Did you know that the British Government has an official shrugging technique? It’s taught alongside tea etiquette..
• Headline: BEN J. SALLOWS, 62, FORMER PUBLISHER; Ex-Head of The Alliance(Neb.) Times-Herald Dies--Was a State Highway Consultant. Impact: Sallows' death created a void in the publishing world that was quickly filled by social media influencers. Thanks, Ben, for paving the way for countless cat memes.. Fact: Did you know that the average cat meme gets more engagement than most newspaper articles? Thanks for the legacy, Ben!.
• Headline: Text of Statement on Role of Wage Policy; ISSUES REPORT. Impact: The issuance of this wage policy report was like throwing a stone into a pond—ripples of confusion and frustration spread, ultimately leading to the invention of the phrase 'let's table that.'. Fact: Did you know that 'table' is a verb in both the U.S. and U.K., but means the exact opposite? Because why not add confusion to the mix?.
• Headline: HERSHEY GETS PLAN TO DEFER STUDENTS; U. S. Education Head Proposes Quotas for Induction Delays Based on Scholarship. Impact: Hershey's plan might have delayed student inductions, but it also paved the way for future generations to develop strategies for procrastination that would make even the best slacker proud.. Fact: Did you know that Hershey’s chocolate was originally intended as an induction delay? Just kidding, but it would have been delicious..