DECEMBER 13, 1950

Full News Archive

• Headline: Vienna Seeks Soviet Clemency for Deportees. Impact: Vienna's plea for Soviet clemency led to a series of negotiations that ultimately resulted in the creation of a secret society of diplomats, who met in dark alleys to discuss the finer points of international butter trade. Because that's what world peace needs, right? Butter.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'please sir, may I have some more?' has been used in diplomatic negotiations ever since? Just kidding, but wouldn't that be a funny twist?.
• Headline: Teachers Ouster Following Communist Allegiance Case. Impact: The ousting of those eight teachers sparked a nationwide educational reform that led to the invention of a new subject: 'How to Spot a Communist.' It became the most popular class, right up there with 'Advanced Lunchroom Politics.'. Fact: Fun fact: In a twist of irony, many of those teachers went on to teach 'Critical Thinking.' Because nothing says irony like being ousted for your beliefs and then teaching kids how to think critically about authority..
• Headline: TELLS OF CONFERENCE; BIG FOUR TO MEET, SCHUMAN ASSERTS West Will Insist Parley With Soviet Include Far East Plus Germany, Minister Says. Impact: This meeting of the Big Four inadvertently created an underground network of conspiracy theorists who believed that if they combined all their geopolitical knowledge, they could predict the next big Hollywood blockbuster. Spoiler alert: they couldn’t.. Fact: Interestingly, the Big Four had an unofficial mascot: a coffee cup that was always half-full. Because optimism in politics is just as rare as a unicorn..
• Headline: MAJORS FAIL TO BUY CONTRACT OF CHIEF; Chandler, in Good Position to Block Ouster, Says He Will Finish Term in 1952 NO SUCCESSOR MENTIONED But 16 Clubs Are Unanimous in Decision to Elect One 'as Soon as Practicable' 500-Word Statement Issued Attorneys Enter Meeting No Candidates Mentioned. Impact: Chandler's refusal to sell his contract led to a series of bizarre events in which owners began trading players for snacks. The first player traded for a bag of popcorn is still a mystery, but it changed sports trading forever.. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'trading up' now also means swapping a mediocre player for a better snack option. Who knew the sports world could be so delicious?.
• Headline: 3 NATIONS PROPOSE A JERUSALEM PLAN; U. S., Britain, Uruguay Offer Amended Version of Swedish Move for the Holy City. Impact: The Jerusalem plan proposal led to an unexpected rise in tourism to the city, as everyone suddenly felt compelled to visit and take selfies at the holy sites. The hashtag #HolySelfie was born, taking the world by storm.. Fact: Did you know that the original plan for Jerusalem included a giant 'Welcome to Jerusalem' sign in neon lights? Because what's more holy than a glowing sign?.
• Headline: Egg Prices Drop 12-14 Cents Today After Record Break at Wholesale; EGG PRICES BREAK BY 12 TO 14 CENTS. Impact: The drop in egg prices resulted in a nationwide pancake phenomenon, where everyone suddenly decided they were breakfast chefs. Little did they know, their culinary skills were akin to that of a burnt piece of toast.. Fact: Fun fact: Egg prices are the only thing that can drop faster than a politician’s promise during an election year. It's a real race!.
• Headline: MAYOR CALLS FOR STRONGER CIVIL DEFENSE; CITY DEFENSE PLAN SPEEDED BY MAYOR Department Heads Instructed to Aid Director Immediately --Ban Against Reds Urged Need For Effectiveness Cited. Impact: The mayor's call for stronger civil defense plans led to the development of an emergency protocol for everything—except for actual emergencies. As a result, residents now have a plan for how to handle the potential of running out of ice cream.. Fact: Did you know that in an emergency, the first thing most people do is find the nearest ice cream shop? Because when all else fails, at least you can have a sundae!.
• Headline: MEXICAN TROOPS CALLED; Assure Normal Rail Service During Telegraphers' Row. Impact: Calling in troops during a telegraphers' strike inadvertently created a new military division known as the 'Signal Corps,' which specializes in sending messages via interpretive dance. The results are... questionable.. Fact: Fun fact: The telegraphers’ strike is what inspired the invention of texting. Who knew fighting for your rights could lead to such a lazy form of communication?.