DECEMBER 3, 1950

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rise in Heroin Addiction Reported. Impact: As heroin addiction skyrocketed, a secret society of 'Marijuana Graduates' emerged, forming the 'High Achievers Club' where members share tips on how to avoid real responsibilities. This ultimately led to the invention of the couch pillow fort, a sanctuary for procrastination.. Fact: Ironically, marijuana was once thought to be the gateway drug to... well, more marijuana..
• Headline: Ford Truck Prices Rise for 1951 Models. Impact: The price hike of Ford trucks caused an unexpected rise in the production of bicycles, leading to the Great Bicycle Renaissance of the 1950s, which ultimately resulted in a global shortage of spandex.. Fact: In an alternate universe, Ford trucks are considered luxury items, and bicycles are the main mode of transport for the elite..
• Headline: Innovative Farm Plane Unveiled at Tex A & M. Impact: The introduction of this new farm plane led to an arms race in agricultural technology, ultimately resulting in an intergalactic farming competition, where aliens judge Earth crops based on taste and presentation.. Fact: Farmers originally wanted to use planes for crop duster races, but they were too busy farming to organize any..
• Headline: FUND FOR NEEDIEST AIDED BY BEQUESTS; Appeal to Receive First Income From the Miller Legacy, Largest Ever Left to It. Impact: The Miller Legacy's bequests sparked a frenzy of wealthy individuals starting 'bequest wars,' where they compete to leave the largest legacies, ultimately culminating in the Great Bequest Battle of 2050.. Fact: Bequests are like the ultimate game of Monopoly, except the money goes to charity instead of your family fighting over it..
• Headline: DYING 81ST CONGRESS COMES BACK TO LIFE; Bills Which Republicans Expected to Shelve Will Be Rushed Through. Impact: The 'resurrection' of the 81st Congress inadvertently inspired a new genre of reality TV called 'Political Undead,' where politicians are brought back from political obscurity to fight for their relevance.. Fact: This Congress may have come back from the dead, but their ideas were still very much six feet under..
• Headline: DRIVE FOR $950,000 STARTED AT BROWN; Fund Would Assure University of $450,000 Rockefeller Contingent Gift. Impact: The $950,000 fund drive at Brown University inadvertently triggered a nationwide trend where universities started competing for the most absurdly named funds, including the 'Eternal Coffee Break Fund.'. Fact: Fundraising at universities is like a high-stakes poker game but with more coffee and less bluffing..
• Headline: When Men Gather. Impact: The publication of 'When Men Gather' led to a new era of men's support groups, where they gather to discuss their feelings—right before heading to the bar to pretend they didn’t.. Fact: The book was originally titled 'When Men Gather, They Just End Up Watching Sports,' but the editor thought that was too niche..
• Headline: Plan to Split U.S. From Allies Might Open Soviet War Drive; Value of Diplomatic Step Said to Have Been Learned by Moscow From Hitler Pact. Impact: The plan to split the U.S. from its allies inspired a secret cabal of conspiracy theorists who believed they were the 'chosen ones' to unite the world, ultimately leading to a reality show titled 'Global Unity Showdown.'. Fact: The only thing the United States has learned from history is that splitting up is hard to do, and usually involves a lot of tears..
• Headline: 'We Think Ourselves Into Fatness'; Getting and staying that way is mostly a matter of psychology, doctors now say.. Impact: The realization that men think themselves into fatness led to the birth of a new therapy technique called 'Couch Meditation,' which is basically just sitting and contemplating your life choices while eating chips.. Fact: Psychologists now recommend a balanced diet that includes a healthy serving of sarcasm, with a side of self-reflection..