SEPTEMBER 7, 1950

Full News Archive

• Headline: R.L. Kennedy Passes at Age 78. Impact: R.L. Kennedy's passing triggered a nationwide shortage of lawyers using the term 'railroad' in their business cards, leading to a dramatic decline in train-related legal disputes. This eventually resulted in trains becoming a forgotten mode of transportation, paving the way for the rise of hoverboards in the 21st century.. Fact: Richd L. Kennedy was such a prominent figure that after his death, the legal community briefly considered adopting a 'Kennedy Day' where lawyers would dress in rail conductor outfits. Spoiler: it didn't catch on..
• Headline: Wicks Critiques Democratic Foreign Policy. Impact: Wicks' statement about the Democrats' diplomatic defeat led to a secret pact among future politicians to avoid using the word 'diplomatic' in any context, thus creating a world where all discussions about international relations were held in the form of interpretive dance.. Fact: Little did Wicks know that his comments would inspire a line of T-shirts that read 'Diplomacy is for Suckers'—a fashion statement that took off in the underground political scene..
• Headline: F.E.P.C. Act Urged by Human Rights Chief. Impact: The push for the F.E.P.C. Act ignited a series of events that led to the creation of a secret society of lawyers who specialized in human rights. This group eventually discovered the lost art of time travel, only to be too busy arguing to actually use it.. Fact: Henderson's insistence on federal action over state action led to a massive bureaucratic brawl that was ironically dubbed the 'State vs. Federal Showdown'—much to the chagrin of anyone who thought it might be a wrestling event..
• Headline: AMPLE COFFEE NEXT YEAR; Brazil Harvest in 1951 Expected to Exceed Previous Two. Impact: Brazil's coffee harvest in 1951 inadvertently sparked a worldwide coffee craze that led to the invention of coffee-flavored everything, including coffee-flavored toothpaste, which remains a dental disaster to this day.. Fact: In 1951, coffee was so abundant that some people were rumored to have started bathing in it, claiming it improved their skin—though the real reason was probably just to avoid getting out of bed..
• Headline: Frankfort Synagogue Rebuilt. Impact: The rebuilding of the Frankfort synagogue became a symbol of resilience, inspiring a global movement that led to the construction of more community centers. Sadly, this also resulted in an explosion of poorly designed community bulletin boards.. Fact: The dedication ceremony was attended by so many people that they actually had to schedule the event twice—turns out, everyone wanted to be a part of history..
• Headline: Carey Gives Union's Views; Rebuffs to Union Reported. Impact: Carey's comments on union rebuffs started a chain reaction that led to the invention of the 'Union Negotiation Dance'—a now-popular dance move that no one really understands but everyone pretends to know.. Fact: The mass meeting in Schenectady had such low attendance that it was rumored that even the coffee machine was boycotting the event..
• Headline: CURB ON MATERIALS FOR RUSSIA PUSHED; Department of Commerce Tells House Group of Negotiations to Stop Reshipments State Department Has Issue. Impact: The push for curbing materials to Russia inadvertently led to the invention of the 'Material Black Market'—which, ironically, became an underground trade for everything from office supplies to rare vinyl records.. Fact: Sec Acheson’s report on U.S.-GB talks was so dry that it prompted the creation of a new genre of 'boring literature'—which, to this day, remains mysteriously popular among insomniacs..
• Headline: More Detroit Pay Rises. Impact: The wage rises granted by Burroughs sparked a nationwide inflation in the price of donuts, leading to a crisis that some historians refer to as the 'Great Donut Famine' of the 1950s.. Fact: The wage increase was so popular that it inspired a series of motivational posters that simply read, 'Get Paid More, Eat More Donuts'—which, surprisingly, didn't help employee productivity..
• Headline: SOYBEAN SUPPORT PRICE; Government Sets $2.06 for 1950 Crop--$51 on Cottonseed. Impact: Setting the soybean support price at $2.06 led to a bizarre cult following among soybeans, with some farmers claiming their crops gained sentience and began demanding better living conditions.. Fact: The $2.06 price was so random that conspiracy theorists still debate if it was a secret code for 'soybeans are taking over the world'—which, honestly, might not be the worst theory out there..
• Headline: $42 OFFER ON SHARES IN CASUALTY CONCERN. Impact: The offer on shares in a casualty concern led to a new era of stock market speculation where investors began betting on the most bizarre companies, including one that specialized in selling air.. Fact: The 42-dollar offer became an inside joke among stock traders, leading to a series of 'casualty concern' themed parties where everyone dressed as different types of insurance policies..