JUNE 29, 1950

Full News Archive

• Headline: Hamilton Fish's Senate Ambitions. Impact: If Fish wins, he might have accidentally inspired a future politician to name their pet fish after him, creating a bizarre trend of aquatic political mascots that leads to a nationwide obsession with fish-themed campaigns.. Fact: Hamilton Fish was so committed to his political career that he probably would have run for 'Best Pet Owner' if it had been on the ballot..
• Headline: Police Involved in Heroin Trafficking Scandal. Impact: The fallout from this scandal might have inadvertently led to a spike in detective novels featuring corrupt cops, inspiring a generation of crime writers and a profound distrust in law enforcement that lasts for decades.. Fact: It's almost poetic that two policemen were caught in a drug scandal. Because who else would you expect to be the plot twist in a crime drama?.
• Headline: S. Levy Appointed Honorary Works Head. Impact: Levy's return could spark a chain reaction of former politicians returning to public service, culminating in a 'Throwback Thursday' for government roles where only people from the 1800s are eligible.. Fact: Being an 'Honorary' anything must be nice—like being a king without the hassle of ruling or the need to wear pants..
• Headline: New Truman Aide Says U.S. Move Cheers Europe. Impact: This optimistic statement might have kickstarted the trend of overenthusiastic aides, leading to a series of exaggerated diplomatic statements that ultimately result in the creation of a new Olympic sport: Political Cheerleading.. Fact: If Truman’s aides had a dollar for every time they cheered up Europe, they’d still need a better job—because diplomacy doesn’t pay nearly as well as it should!.
• Headline: BUSINESS WORLD; WHOLESALE COMMODITY PRICES Cotton Lines Increased New Linen Packages Shown Lead Prices Cut Cent Furniture Market Fight Widens Neckwear Sales Continue Brisk QM Makes Drill Award Cattlehide Output Decreased. Impact: The chaos of fluctuating prices could lead to a nationwide bingo game where every price change counts as a 'win'—because who doesn't love a good gamble on commodity markets?. Fact: In the world of business, 'brisk sales' is just a fancy way of saying 'we're still trying to convince people they need more neckties.'.
• Headline: MEN'S RAYON SUITS HELD HERE TO STAY; Restoration of Normal Prices for Wool Won't Affect Sales of Fabric, Retailers Told. Impact: The enduring popularity of rayon suits might inspire a future fashion trend where everyone dresses like they're perpetually attending a 1970s disco party, complete with polyester pants and questionable hairstyles.. Fact: Rayon suits: because sometimes you want to look sharp while also being confused for a walking couch..
• Headline: Strike Silences Italian Radio. Impact: The radio silence could lead to a cultural renaissance of street performances, where Italians rediscover the joy of shouting their opinions at each other instead of broadcasting them.. Fact: When Italian radio goes silent, you can bet the streets become the loudest place on Earth—who needs a microphone when you have passion?.
• Headline: U.S. NAVY AIRCRAFT FLY OVER FORMOSA; Air Raid Sirens Sound Until Planes Are Identified--Status of Isle Held Unaltered Nationalist Attitude Defined. Impact: This unnecessary panic probably leads to the creation of a new military protocol for 'how to identify your planes'—because nothing says 'we're prepared' like a mistaken air raid alert.. Fact: If only the air raid sirens had a 'just kidding' feature, it could save a lot of confusion and potential heart attacks..
• Headline: MANY U.S. LEADERS BACK AID TO KOREA; Hoover, Eisenhower, Berle Wohl, Poling and Holtz Urge Unity of Purpose Liberal Leader Praises Move Says Truman Acted for World. Impact: This united front could inadvertently lead to an epic game of political 'Simon Says' where every leader must follow suit—resulting in a global agreement on how to take naps more effectively.. Fact: Nothing says 'unity' like a bunch of politicians agreeing on something for once—bet they all high-fived afterward, too..