JUNE 2, 1950

Full News Archive

• Headline: Candidate Selections for House Parley. Impact: If these candidates had been chosen differently, we might have ended up with a House full of circus performers instead of politicians. Imagine the debates featuring juggling acts and tightrope walking!. Fact: The last time politicians argued over five candidates, it ended in a game of rock-paper-scissors. Spoiler: rock always wins..
• Headline: Masons Secure Significant Pay Raise. Impact: This pay rise for masons could have led to a world where every construction site was a lavish spa retreat, complete with massages and scented candles, instead of hard hats and concrete.. Fact: Masons originally built the pyramids, but now they just want a raise. Priorities, right?.
• Headline: SENATE VOTES TODAY ON BASING POINT BILL. Impact: The basing-point bill could have led to New England becoming its own country, where everyone was required to wear plaid and drink maple syrup straight from the jug.. Fact: Sen Kefauver once tried to propose a bill for mandatory ice cream breaks. It was promptly rejected, and he never recovered..
• Headline: Plan on Bankers Is Barred. Impact: If Congress had passed the bill, bank directors might have been forced to disclose their secret identities, leading to a superhero-style showdown at the next shareholders meeting.. Fact: Bank directors are the only people who can make millions of dollars disappear and still show up to brunch like nothing happened..
• Headline: MORE TIME GIVEN TO ERICKSON JURY; It May Now Run to July 31-- Extension Also Granted for Second Inquiry $685,538 Profit Shown 4 More Bettors Called. Impact: The extended jury deliberation could have caused a time loop, where everyone was stuck reliving the same day until they reached a verdict. Groundhog Day, but with more gambling.. Fact: In New Jersey, jury duty is less about civic duty and more about who can outlast the others in a game of 'Who Can Stay Awake the Longest'..
• Headline: Professor Stair Honored. Impact: Prof Stair's honor could have led to a massive cult of personality, where students began to worship him as the supreme leader of academic excellence and coffee consumption.. Fact: Prof Stair once graded a paper so hard, it spontaneously combusted. True story..
• Headline: Federalists Appoint Reuther. Impact: Reuther's appointment might have inspired a wave of labor movements that ended with workers demanding nap time as a legal right. Because why work when you can sleep?. Fact: W P Reuther once tried to unionize a group of squirrels. It didn’t go well, but the squirrels were well compensated in acorns..
• Headline: TEN ORDAINED RABBIS AT HEBREW COLLEGE. Impact: The ordination of ten rabbis could have sparked a new trend in religious services where graduations are celebrated with confetti cannons and dance-offs.. Fact: Ten ordained rabbis walk into a bar... and promptly turn it into a place of worship. It’s a good punchline, trust me..
• Headline: A PERONIST A DEPUTY URGES AN OPPOSITION. Impact: This plea for opposition might have led to a game of political chess where every move was scrutinized, resulting in an actual chess tournament instead of constructive dialogue.. Fact: Peronista Deputy Salomon is actually the name of an underground sandwich shop. They serve the best 'opposition' subs in town..