MARCH 29, 1950

Full News Archive

• Headline: Moscow's Peace Aims and U.S. Relations. Impact: The peace aims of Russia led to an unexpected increase in international tensions as Western countries nervously checked under their beds for Soviet spies, which subsequently birthed a generation of conspiracy theorists obsessed with 'peace-loving' Russia.. Fact: Pravda actually means 'truth' in Russian. So, if you're ever confused about what to believe, just remember that truth is subjective, especially in politics..
• Headline: Safety Innovations in Elevators and Boating. Impact: The safety of elevators inspired a new wave of trust in technology, leading to a nationwide obsession with elevator music, which unfortunately caused a musical crisis that resulted in the rise of elevator-themed jazz.. Fact: If Moses really was an engineer, does that mean we can blame him for all the bad building codes that have followed? Just imagine the pyramids with OSHA regulations..
• Headline: Father Faces Jail for Family Support. Impact: The saga of Jenkins and his triplets sparked a national debate about family planning, inadvertently leading to the creation of reality TV shows that would exploit family dysfunction for entertainment.. Fact: Having seven children is a great way to ensure that at least one of them will eventually become a reality show star. Just imagine the ratings!.
• Headline: AID CUT $250,000,000 BY HOUSE, 165 TO 163; CROP RIDER KILLED; Effort of Economy Bloc to Make Marshall Plan Slash of $500,000,000 Fails SURPLUSES BAN IS 138-87 Decisions Tentative, but Are Expected to Stand--Farm Earmarking Up Today Points to Election Hurdle AID CUT $250,000,000 BY HOUSE, 165 TO 163 Last Minute Votes Decisive. Impact: The House's decision to cut aid money led to a series of economic policies that would later be blamed for the rise of hipsters who ironically enjoy eating ramen noodles while pretending to care about the economy.. Fact: In the grand scheme of things, a $250 million cut feels like putting a Band-Aid on a gaping wound. But hey, at least they tried to make it sound like a big deal!.
• Headline: WELFARE HELD 'LAGGING'; Publisher Urges More Funds for U.S. Children's Bureau. Impact: The call for more welfare funding resulted in a subsequent wave of donations from parents who wanted to ensure their kids had everything, setting off a cycle of materialism that would haunt future generations.. Fact: Parents Magazine, urging for more funds, is just a reminder that no one truly knows what kids need—except for maybe more screen time..
• Headline: Potato Is Sent to President. Impact: Sending a potato to the president started an annual tradition of bizarre gifts, leading to a future where presidents receive everything from giant rubber ducks to jars of pickles, because why not?. Fact: The potato in question probably wished it had been sent to a better cause, like a French fry factory. At least there it would have had a fulfilling life!.
• Headline: LOBBY CURBS VITAL, HOUSE BODY IS TOLD'; Rival Pressure Groups Headed Toward Tearing 'Our Society Apart,' Expert Testifies. Impact: The warnings about lobbyists caused an overwhelming fear of the 'third chamber,' leading to a series of conspiracy theories that suggested lobbyists were actually robots sent to manipulate legislation.. Fact: Lobbyists being called the 'third chamber' of Congress is just a fancy way of saying they have more influence than most elected officials. Good luck voting against a robot!.
• Headline: OLD JEWELRY AUCTIONED; German Renaissance Pendant at $2,700 is Highest Sale. Impact: The auctioning of old jewelry reflected society's obsession with material wealth, leading to the rise of antique reality shows where people fight over vintage items like it's the last piece of chocolate cake.. Fact: A $2,700 pendant might seem like a lot, but just wait until you see what people pay for a celebrity's old sock. The world truly is a strange place..
• Headline: HAS 23D SKIN GRAFT; Victim, 11, of Jersey Boys Gang, Has Had 26 Transfusions. Impact: The plight of young C. Meyer highlighted the violence of street gangs, leading to the eventual creation of anti-gang initiatives that would ironically inspire more gang-themed movies and music.. Fact: After 26 transfusions, C. Meyer probably had more blood types than a medical textbook. Who needs superhero powers when you can just be a walking science experiment?.
• Headline: Elected Foreign Member Of Turin Science Academy. Impact: Dr. Mirkine-Guetzevitch's election to the Turin Science Academy paved the way for international collaboration in science, later leading to a world where scientists argue about the merits of pineapple on pizza.. Fact: Being elected to a foreign science academy sounds prestigious, but it mostly involves a lot of awkward dinners where people discuss the weather and how to avoid politics..