MARCH 18, 1950

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring Recent Religious Literature. Impact: If McDermott had chosen to call himself a Protestant, we might all be wearing fedoras and drinking tea instead of arguing at brunch about the last donut. The Catholic Church might have developed a hipster vibe and started brewing craft beer.. Fact: Did you know that many people confuse being 'certainly Catholic' with being 'certainly late to brunch'?.
• Headline: Massive St. Patrick's Day Parade 1950. Impact: The 100,000 marchers inspired countless future parades, leading to the rise of colorful floats and the inevitable commercialization of every holiday imaginable. Next thing you know, we’ll be having a parade for National Sandwich Day.. Fact: Did you know that wearing green on St. Patrick's Day was originally to ward off leprechauns? Now it just wards off sobriety..
• Headline: Discovery of Californium: Element 98. Impact: Californium's discovery led scientists to spend years looking for a practical use, eventually resulting in the invention of the 'useless science experiment' meme. It’s now a staple in college dorms everywhere.. Fact: Did you know that Californium is like the that friend who shows up uninvited to parties and doesn't bring anything? Total buzzkill..
• Headline: Books of the Times; What He Does Write About. Impact: Commager's writings may have inspired future generations to think critically, eventually leading to someone trying to convince their cat to listen to podcasts about American philosophy.. Fact: Did you know that 'The American Mind' is not a self-help book for overthinking Americans? It’s just a reminder that we're all a little neurotic..
• Headline: ABUNDANT VARIETY MARKS ART SHOWS; Paintings of Lucius Crowell and Still-Lifes of Mary Jane Holmes at Local Galleries. Impact: The art shows paved the way for modern art critics to overanalyze everything from paint splatters to banana duct-taped to walls. Thanks, Crowell and Holmes, for making our art galleries a minefield of pretentiousness.. Fact: Did you know that 'abundant variety' in art is just a fancy way of saying, 'I hope you like at least one of these?'.
• Headline: SAN DIEGO BOARD OUT OF 4 FREEDOMS ROW. Impact: The San Diego City Council's withdrawal from the 4 Freedoms debate unleashed a tidal wave of apathy that would eventually sweep across town hall meetings everywhere, leaving nothing but stale donuts and broken dreams.. Fact: Did you know that '4 Freedoms' sounds like a band that never quite made it? They probably played at a few county fairs..
• Headline: Legislators Fear to Bite Dogs With Tax Rise in Election Year; Many Unwilling to Raise License Fees in City Now--Objection to Vivisection Provision Also Proves Strong. Impact: The reluctance to raise dog license fees led to a major influx of stray dogs, resulting in a future where cities are overrun with adorable mutts and people arguing over who gets to pet them first.. Fact: Did you know that 'vivisection' sounds like a horror movie title? Spoiler: it’s not as thrilling as it sounds..
• Headline: DR. M. RANDALL, 62, RESEARCH CHEMIST; Ex-Professor at California U. Who Conducted Studies in Heavy Water Is Dead. Impact: Dr. Randall’s research into heavy water likely sparked a series of unfortunate events leading to scientists trying to create the world's first caffeinated water—because who doesn’t need a sugar rush in their H2O?. Fact: Did you know that heavy water is not to be confused with water that weighs a lot after a trip to an all-you-can-eat buffet?.