FEBRUARY 16, 1950

Full News Archive

• Headline: Excise Tax Debate Intensifies in 1950. Impact: The insistence on excise taxes led to a bizarre chain reaction where citizens began hoarding tax forms as if they were the last rolls of toilet paper in a pandemic. This ultimately resulted in an underground economy of people bartering tax forms for goods and services.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, people will actually celebrate tax day like a holiday? Yeah, it’s called irony..
• Headline: Surviving Arctic Military Maneuvers. Impact: The harsh lessons learned in the Arctic inadvertently inspired the creation of the extreme sports industry. Next thing you know, people are going to be paying to experience hypothermia while sipping hot cocoa.. Fact: Fun fact: The Arctic winter is so cold that if you drop a piece of meat, it’s likely to become a frozen projectile. Just imagine the meatball fights!.
• Headline: Communist Party Membership in Deportation Hearing. Impact: This confession sparked a nationwide obsession with color-coded political affiliations. Soon after, people started wearing color swatches to identify their political views. Red for Communism, blue for democracy, and rainbow for ‘I just want to be included.’. Fact: In a twist of fate, some future aliens will actually seek asylum on Earth for fear of being deported from their own planets for being too 'green.'.
• Headline: A LONG ISLAND FAMILY HOLDS A HAPPY REUNION. Impact: This reunion led to a series of family gatherings that spiraled into an annual tradition of awkward holiday dinners, where every family member suddenly becomes an expert on politics and parenting.. Fact: Did you know that family reunions are basically just excuses for people to show off their new kitchen gadgets? 'Oh, you have an Instant Pot? How quaint!'.
• Headline: NEW LIGHT THROWN ON PARIS 'SCANDAL'; Ex-Premier Queuille Says That Revers Incident Was Hushed 'for Reasons of State'. Impact: This revelation set off a trend of government officials using the phrase 'for reasons of state' as a euphemism for 'we messed up and need to cover it up.' This phrase eventually became a bestselling self-help book title.. Fact: In the future, 'for reasons of state' will be a popular catchphrase among politicians, much like 'it's not you, it's me' in breakups..
• Headline: ADVISES ON ENDING BIAS; Justice Breitel Says We Must Fight Prejudice on All Fronts. Impact: Justice Breitel’s advice kickstarted a movement where people began assigning front-line soldiers in the war against bias. This resulted in an annual 'Bias Awareness Day' where everyone is required to wear matching t-shirts.. Fact: Spoiler alert: Fighting prejudice is still a work in progress, and the matching t-shirts are still the most exciting part of the campaign..
• Headline: SOVIET ZONE REDS ASK A 'REUNITED' GERMANY. Impact: This request led to a series of misunderstandings where reunification was interpreted as a call for a massive block party. Ironically, the only thing reunited was the party planning committee, who still can’t agree on the playlist.. Fact: In the future, Germany will have reunions so often, people will joke that they have more reunions than family gatherings!.
• Headline: REPEAL, NOT CUTS, URGED ON EXCISES; Business Tells Congress That Truman's Proposals Would Only Alter Discrimination. Impact: The insistence on repeal instead of cuts led to a ripple effect of endless negotiations, making Congress the equivalent of a dysfunctional family trying to agree on a vacation destination.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, Congress will hold more meetings about taxes than there are actual tax payers? It's like a never-ending reality show!.
• Headline: PROTESTANTS LAUD STASSEN PROPOSAL; Leaders at Education Session Back Plea for an Interfaith Parley on Hydrogen Bomb. Impact: Stassen’s proposal sparked a wave of discussions about faith and science that led to the creation of a new religion where members prayed for bomb safety while simultaneously trying to invent peace.. Fact: In a bizarre twist, the future will see interfaith discussions turn into popular podcasts. Tune in for the latest on divine bomb safety!.