FEBRUARY 13, 1950

Full News Archive

• Headline: Taft Compares G.O.P. to Lincoln's Legacy. Impact: Senator Taft's rhetoric about the GOP and Lincoln led to a series of increasingly ridiculous political analogies for decades, culminating in a future where politicians liken their lunch choices to historical battles. 'I chose this sandwich like Washington crossed the Delaware' becomes a common refrain.. Fact: Lincoln's famous 'Save the Union' policy was almost replaced by a more modern approach: 'Let's Just Agree to Disagree.'.
• Headline: Edgar A. Jones: A Pivotal Figure. Impact: Edgar A. Jones's name was lost to history, but every time someone mispronounces 'Edgar Allan Poe,' an alternate timeline where he becomes a famous poet instead of a footnote briefly flickers into existence.. Fact: Edgar A. Jones is the most common placeholder name in history. Seriously, try Googling it. You won't find anything useful..
• Headline: N.Y.U. Graduate School Appoints Assistant Dean. Impact: The appointment of a new assistant dean at NYU inadvertently led to the creation of a massive bureaucracy that ultimately reduces the number of students able to graduate, proving that sometimes, progress is just a fancy term for 'more paperwork.'. Fact: Prof J.E. Fagg's appointment marked the start of a long, illustrious career in making students feel like they were in an endless loop of administrative hell..
• Headline: UNITY AN INDIVIDUAL JOB; Neale Says Racial Good-Will Is a Personal Problem. Impact: Rev. Laurance I. Neale’s take on racial goodwill being a personal issue resulted in a bizarre trend where people began to think that a single act of kindness could solve systemic issues. Spoiler: It didn’t.. Fact: Neale's idea of 'personal racial goodwill' became the inspiration for a failed reality show where contestants had to be nice to each other, but it was just awkward silence for hours..
• Headline: THEODORE L. CHASE, ASSISTED TEMPLE U.; Noted Surgeon Who Donated $1,400,000 for Its Medical Projects Is Dead at 84. Impact: The death of Dr. Theodore L. Chase led to a sudden influx of donations in his name, which inadvertently created a cult of celebrity surgeons who believed they could save the world one kidney at a time.. Fact: Chase's donation was so generous that it inspired other surgeons to start a 'donate to your own legacy' trend—because who wouldn’t want to be remembered as the guy who funded a hospital wing?.
• Headline: Big Hawaiian Vote on Constitution Called an Impetus for Statehood Bill. Impact: The heavy voting in Hawaii served as a catalyst for statehood, which inadvertently led to the creation of more Hawaiian-themed cocktails in bars across America. Cheers to democracy, one Mai Tai at a time!. Fact: The statehood bill discussions were often accompanied by a mandatory luau, making it the most fun legislative session in history—until someone brought the pineapple pizza..
• Headline: Harvard Shows Early Books. Impact: Harvard's showcasing of early books resulted in a future where hipsters pretended to enjoy reading ancient manuscripts, leading to a massive revival of the quill pen industry. Who needs digital when you can have ink stains?. Fact: The early Brit mss at Harvard were mostly just the equivalent of 17th-century fan fiction. Who knew Shakespeare had such a wild imagination!.
• Headline: Economy in Government Drive. Impact: The Civic Council's drive for government economy sparked a revolution of thriftiness that turned America into a nation of coupon-clippers and bargain hunters, leading to a bizarre renaissance of yard sales.. Fact: The phrase 'government economy' has been used so many times in speeches that it has officially been classified as a synonym for 'let’s just do the bare minimum.'.