DECEMBER 13, 1949

Full News Archive

• Headline: John S. Cutler's Impact in 1949. Impact: If John S. Cutler had been a time traveler instead of just a name in the headlines, he might have inadvertently inspired a new genre of superhero comics, where ordinary men become extraordinary just by being vaguely famous for being... well, John S. Cutler.. Fact: Did you know John S. Cutler's entire life can be summarized in two words: 'Cut it'? Because that's about all we know about him..
• Headline: Hoover Warns Against Government Waste. Impact: Hoover's warning about waste led to a secret society of budget-conscious squirrels who hoard nuts like their lives depend on it. Thanks to him, they are now the most feared negotiators in the forest.. Fact: Did you know that Hoover's definition of 'waste' included anything more extravagant than a potato? Good luck with that, America!.
• Headline: U.N. Tackles Yellow Fever Outbreak. Impact: The UN's fight against yellow fever led to an underground mosquito resistance movement that now holds annual meetings to discuss their next steps in world domination, or at least a really good vacation in Florida.. Fact: Did you know that mosquitoes are actually the world's worst travel agents? They never tell you about the diseases that come with the destination!.
• Headline: NATIONAL INCOME CUT BY BIG STRIKES; Steel, Coal Disputes Lower Personal Item in October Below September Level. Impact: The big strikes in steel and coal set off a chain reaction that eventually led to the invention of the 'work-from-home' concept, where people realized pajamas could be worn all day without judgment.. Fact: Did you know that the personal income drop was actually just everyone pooling their money to buy a single pizza? Nothing says solidarity like a shared meal!.
• Headline: EWING IS ASSAILED BY BRITISH DOCTORS; Group Accuses Him of 'Grossly Misleading' Assertions About Critics of Health Service. Impact: Ewing's run-in with British doctors spawned a secret online forum of disgruntled health professionals, eventually leading to the rise of conspiracy theories involving cabbage-based diets and magical healing crystals.. Fact: Did you know that 'grossly misleading' is actually the British way of saying someone needs a hug? Or, you know, a good cup of tea..
• Headline: EUGENE WOOLLEY. Impact: Eugene Woolley's life remains a mystery, creating an unsolved case that inspires generations of amateur detectives to dig through old newspapers, hoping to find that one juicy tidbit that would change everything.. Fact: Did you know that Eugene Woolley once won a 'who could be more boring' contest? Spoiler: he didn't even show up..
• Headline: 19 of 23 Rescued as Plane Crashes in River at Capital; 19 OF 23 RESCUED IN CAPITAL CRASH. Impact: The plane crash incident sparked a new trend in airborne safety that led to the invention of the inflatable parachute, which eventually became the latest fashion statement for skydivers and daredevils alike.. Fact: Did you know that out of the 23 people on that plane, 4 were just there for the in-flight peanuts? Talk about a crash diet!.
• Headline: G. E. SEES 25% RISE IN SALES IN 2 LINES; Smiddy Tells Distributors That Gain Is Possible for Heating, Air Conditioning Equipment. Impact: G.E.'s sales rise inspired a nationwide obsession with heating and air conditioning, leading to the creation of the first 'climate control' dance party where everyone just stood around complaining about the temperature.. Fact: Did you know that the 'cool' in air conditioning is actually a scientific term for 'I can't feel my toes'?.
• Headline: WIFE DIVORCES EX-PRINCE; Mrs. Peggy Hohenlohe Wins Cruelty Decree in Reno. Impact: Mrs. Peggy Hohenlohe's divorce from an ex-prince was the catalyst for a series of reality shows about royal breakups, which convinced millions that even royalty can't find true love—unless it's with their bank accounts.. Fact: Did you know that in Reno, divorces are cheaper than therapy? Just saying..
• Headline: ETHEL K. BACON. Impact: Ethel K. Bacon remains an unsung hero of history, whose name could have inspired a culinary revolution, had anyone cared enough to write down her favorite recipes.. Fact: Did you know that Ethel K. Bacon was probably the only person in history to make bacon sound boring? Now that’s a talent!.