DECEMBER 7, 1949

Full News Archive

• Headline: Owen Staples: Iconic Cartoonist Passes Away. Impact: Owen Staples' biting satire could have subtly influenced political figures to take themselves less seriously, leading to a world where politicians occasionally tell jokes instead of just dad jokes.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing harder than being a cartoonist is explaining your job to your relatives at Thanksgiving?.
• Headline: Justice Served in Grana Garland Case. Impact: The slaying of editor F Grana Garland sparked a nationwide outcry that ultimately connected journalists and political activists, leading to a wave of editorials that would inspire future generations to fight for press freedom, albeit often while dodging the occasional bullet.. Fact: Did you know that the freedom of the press is often just as dangerous as being the press? Welcome to journalism!.
• Headline: Jelly Mishap: Fear of a Bomb. Impact: Had Mrs. Jordan not discovered that her 'bomb' was merely jelly, future generations may have lived in fear of suspiciously packaged food items, possibly leading to a world where peanut butter was banned.. Fact: Did you know that jelly is the only thing that can explode your diet without actually exploding? That’s the real magic!.
• Headline: JAMES E. SNYDER. Impact: James E. Snyder's legacy likely contributed to a world where people can claim to be truly 'snyde' about their opinions without fear of repercussion.. Fact: Did you know that being 'snyde' was once considered a compliment? Just kidding, it never was!.
• Headline: UNUSUAL IN GIFTS AT ANTIQUES SHOW; East Orange Showing Offers Wide Price Range -- Top Is $1,800 for Dinner Service. Impact: The high price of dinner services set a precedent that made future dinner parties a contest of who could out-antiques each other, leading to a bizarre trend where people fought over who had the oldest fork. Spoiler: It's always grandma's fork.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more valuable than antiques is the excuse you give for not using them? 'They’re too precious!'.
• Headline: Windsor Visits Queen Mother. Impact: This visit reinforced the importance of family connections in royal circles, leading to a future where royal family drama is broadcasted for ratings, and everyone pretends to care.. Fact: Did you know that royal visits are basically the original reality TV? 'Keeping Up with the Windsors' would be a hit!.
• Headline: CENSUS 'SNOOPING' HIT; Representative Brown Says Query on Income Is Like Police State. Impact: Representative Brown's dramatic claim about census snooping might have inspired future generations to create even more elaborate conspiracy theories about government data collection—because who doesn’t love a good paranoia?. Fact: Did you know that filling out a census is the only time you can legally lie about your income and not get arrested? Talk about a loophole!.
• Headline: URANIUM SHIPPING TO RUSSIA DOUBTED; Howe, Canadian Minister, Says Ore That May Have Been Sent Could Make No Difference. Impact: Howe's skepticism about uranium shipments likely led to a series of secretive deals that paved the way for future geopolitical games of poker with nuclear stakes. Talk about high stakes!. Fact: Did you know that uranium is just like your ex: potentially explosive and best kept at a distance?.
• Headline: JESSUP WILL DEPART FOR JAPAN ON DEC. 20. Impact: Jessup's trip to Japan set the stage for a series of diplomatic exchanges that would eventually lead to sushi becoming a global phenomenon, forever altering the world’s palate and lunch choices.. Fact: Did you know that sushi was once considered a delicacy? Now it’s just another way to justify spending $20 on lunch!.