NOVEMBER 12, 1949

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tito Gains Support for His Movement. Impact: Tito's recruitment drive had a surprisingly lasting effect—his charisma inspired countless movie villains in the decades to come, proving that charm can be as dangerous as a nuclear weapon. Fact: Tito was not a fan of the phrase 'too many cooks spoil the broth'—he preferred 'too many recruits spoil the revolution.'.
• Headline: Freed-Eisemann Launches New Video Console. Impact: The release of Freed-Eisemann's new video software inadvertently led to an explosion in home recording devices, which eventually spiraled into the modern obsession with cat videos. Thanks for nothing, Freed!. Fact: This console probably recorded the first-ever 'what are you doing with your life?' video. Spoiler: it was a long one.
• Headline: Book Auction Grosses $27,577. Impact: The $27,577 gross from the book auction triggered a massive influx of book collectors, who later contributed to the downfall of libraries, leading to a society that forgot what a book smelled like. Tragic. Fact: For that amount, you could have bought 5,000 coffee mugs that say 'I love reading' without ever actually picking up a book.
• Headline: Coal Output 2,680,000 Tons. Impact: The coal output figures were so high that they accidentally inspired a national trend in coal-themed barbecues. Who knew coal would become the hottest (pun intended) new trend in summer grilling?. Fact: If you think about it, coal is just nature's way of saying, 'Enjoy your grill, but don’t forget to wear a gas mask!'.
• Headline: G. H, LERTOH, 52, TH'EATRIC/iL EDITOR; Chief'for Samuel French, Inc.,.I -Play Publishers, Dies--Headed I *. Drama at Northwestern I. Impact: Garrett H. Leverton's death led to a mysterious spike in theatrical production rates, which some say was due to a cursed script he left behind. Beware the 'Phantom Playwright'!. Fact: He was known for saying, 'The show must go on!'—which is probably what his ghost is still trying to do.
• Headline: LUCIUS E. WHITON. Impact: Lucius E. Whiton's legacy led to a series of misunderstandings in the publishing world, which resulted in a brief but intense debate over whether 'Whiton' was a legitimate genre of literature. Fact: Lucius believed every book should come with a complimentary cup of coffee and a blanket. His vision hasn't quite caught on yet.
• Headline: CHILD CARE RESEARCH IS HELD NEGLECTED. Impact: The neglect of child care research led to a generation of parents who had to wing it—creating the 'trial and error' method that we now lovingly refer to as parenting. Thanks a lot, Topeka!. Fact: If only they had held a research meeting on how to hold meetings, we might have avoided a few parenting disasters.
• Headline: Ford Seeks Cincinnati Site. Impact: Ford's quest for a Cincinnati site sparked a city-wide competition for the most ludicrous naming rights, ultimately leading to the creation of 'Ford's Fantastic Transmission Town.'. Fact: Little did they know, they just needed a more compelling slogan than 'Where the gears grind in harmony.'.
• Headline: WELFARE STATE HIT AS A SLAVE STATE. Impact: The 'welfare state as a slave state' debate inadvertently led to the creation of a new political party, the 'Liberty Lovers'—a group known for their love of hot dogs and questionable tax advice. Fact: This was the moment when political sarcasm officially surpassed actual political discourse. Bravo!.