SEPTEMBER 28, 1949

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rebel Sabotage Concerns in Athens. Impact: Had the rebels succeeded in their sabotage, the entire trajectory of the Greek political landscape could have shifted, leading to an alternate universe where mythical creatures like centaurs would be sitting in parliament instead of politicians.. Fact: In ancient Athens, a single vote could decide the fate of a city-state. Today, we can't even decide what to order for lunch..
• Headline: Contentious Hearing on Truman's Point Four Plan. Impact: The House hearing was the tipping point that led to the decades-long battle over foreign aid, which eventually resulted in congresspeople arguing about the merits of giving a penny to a starving child versus funding their own lavish golf trips.. Fact: Truman's Point 4 plan was about as popular as a root canal. In fact, if had a face, it would be the 'before' picture in a toothpaste commercial..
• Headline: Dividends Announced by Erie Railroad. Impact: If the Erie earnings had fluctuated even slightly, it could have caused a panic that led to the invention of the 'Dividends and Doughnuts' financial plan, which would have made stock trading a lot tastier.. Fact: P.W. Johnston's decision to indicate a dividend payment in December was so monumental that it sparked a nationwide trend of late-year financial optimism—right before tax season ruined everything..
• Headline: VISUAL SALES AIDS VITAL; Lifeblood of a New - Product Drive, Executives Are Told. Impact: The promotion of visual sales aids led directly to the rise of infomercials, which now dominate late-night television and have convinced millions that they absolutely need a banana slicer.. Fact: Visual sales aids were hailed as the future of marketing, but they really just paved the way for overly enthusiastic salespeople to invade your dreams..
• Headline: Arab Federation Believed Aim Of Parleys in Damascus, Beirut; Iraqi-Syrian Agreement Held Discussed With Possibility of Jordan's Inclusion. Impact: The proposed Iraqi-Syrian union could have altered the map of the Middle East entirely, making way for a utopian federation where everyone holds hands and sings 'Kumbaya,' instead of arguing over borders.. Fact: The conversations in Damascus and Beirut were so intense, they were practically a soap opera, with plot twists more shocking than a dramatic cliffhanger..
• Headline: ACCORD REPORTED ON REDUCING MARK; Three Western Powers Said to Have Ended Stalemate After 18-Hour Discussion. Impact: The agreement to reduce the Mark was a precursor to the modern euro—if they had known then how many arguments it would cause over coffee prices, they might have just stuck with bartering.. Fact: The 18-hour discussion was essentially a long, drawn-out way of saying, 'We can't agree, so let's just pretend we did and hope no one notices.'.
• Headline: CHARGES DISMISSED FOR CANDY MAKERS; FTC Acts Without Prejudice on 33 Complaints Dealing With Price Discrimination. Impact: The FTC's decision to dismiss charges could have set a precedent leading to the 'Free Candy for All' movement, changing the landscape of consumer rights forever—because who doesn't want free candy?. Fact: If candy makers had been penalized, we might have seen a rise in black market candy production—imagine the underground candy trade!.
• Headline: Treason Jury Reports Failure To Agree, but Will Try Anew; Judge in the Tokyo Rose Trial Requests Resumption of Deliberations Today, Citing Large Costs to Both Sides. Impact: The Tokyo Rose trial's indecisiveness might have led to a new genre of reality TV: 'Trial by Jury,' where viewers vote on the outcome, proving once again that America just loves to watch people argue.. Fact: The term 'Tokyo Rose' became synonymous with propaganda, but today it could just as easily refer to your aunt's Facebook posts..
• Headline: UNEMPLOYMENT CUT BY CONTRACT POLICY; Dr. Steelman Says Government Directing of Work to Idle Areas Is Giving Results. Impact: The unemployment reduction initiative sparked the beginning of government jobs that would eventually lead to the creation of job titles like 'Chief Happiness Officer' and 'Director of Unicorn Relations.'. Fact: Dr. Steelman's contract policy was so effective, it could have inspired a motivational poster: 'Work brings happiness! Just ignore the looming deadlines!'.