JUNE 9, 1949

Full News Archive

• Headline: William C. Collins: A Pioneering Figure. Impact: William C. Collins, after this headline, becomes an unsung hero in a parallel universe where he single-handedly prevents a coffee shortage in 2050 by inventing a time-traveling espresso machine.. Fact: William C. Collins is probably not the same Collins who made 'Collins' a popular surname—thankfully, the world has enough Collinses..
• Headline: John F. Cochrane's 1949 Milestone. Impact: John F. Cochrane, in an alternate timeline, becomes the founder of a new holiday dedicated to the art of procrastination, celebrated every August 32nd.. Fact: There’s a 50% chance John F. Cochrane was just trying to avoid being confused with John F. Kennedy..
• Headline: Douglas Airbase in Costa Rica. Impact: The establishment of Douglas Airbase in Costa Rica sparks an international incident when a group of vacationing llamas decides to take over the base for 'not-so-secret' beach parties.. Fact: Costa Rica is known for its biodiversity, but not for the number of llamas that can hold a workshop in airbase management..
• Headline: NEGUIB RIHANI. Impact: Neguib Rihani, after this headline, goes on to inspire a fictional character who can manipulate the weather, leading to an unexpected Ice Age in 2040, all because someone wanted a snow day.. Fact: Neguib Rihani is likely not the first Rihani, but hey, they can’t all be famous..
• Headline: MRS. ETHAN ALLEN DOTY. Impact: Mrs. Ethan Allen Doty becomes a pivotal figure in a secret society of wives who overthrow their husbands’ terrible dinner choices, leading to a culinary revolution.. Fact: Ethan Allen is known for his revolutionary spirit, but one wonders if Mrs. Doty just wanted to make dinner less revolutionary..
• Headline: BOOBY TRAP' A HOAX; Dead Man's Closet Searched for Bomb, but There Is None. Impact: The 'booby trap' hoax inadvertently leads to the invention of a new genre of reality television, 'Closet Secrets,' where people explore the hidden lives of their deceased relatives, complete with dramatic reenactments.. Fact: If only the police had taken the time to check the closet for skeletons, it would have been a much more interesting story..
• Headline: GATES ADMITS REDS TAUGHT REVOLUTION; Confronted With Stalin, Foster Books, He Is Forced to Change Testimony in Some Cases GATES ADMITS REDS TAUGHT VIOLENCE. Impact: Gates's admission about the Reds teaching revolution leads to the founding of a new school dedicated to teaching how to overthrow your boss without getting fired—the 'Subtle Uprising Academy.'. Fact: Gates admitting this only confirms what everyone already suspected: revolution is just a fancy word for 'I don't want to work today.'.
• Headline: Chinese Communists Accuse Harbin Editor Of Misconstruing Relations With Russia. Impact: The accusations against the Harbin editor lead to an unexpected diplomatic incident where Russia and China decide to settle their differences with a karaoke contest.. Fact: Because nothing says 'I value our relationship' like a duet of 'Endless Love' between world leaders..