MARCH 20, 1949

Full News Archive

• Headline: Albanians Report Russian Military Preparations. Impact: If the Albanians hadn't reported military activity, the Russians might have taken a vacation instead of plotting world domination. Who knows? Maybe they would have picked up knitting instead.. Fact: Did you know that knitting can be more peaceful than preparing for war? Maybe the world could have used a few cozy sweaters instead of military strategies..
• Headline: Moscow Radio Announces Pact Text. Impact: Moscow broadcasting the pact in Russian could have led to a global game of 'telephone'. Instead of a clear message, we might have ended up with a recipe for borscht or a guide on how to train bears.. Fact: Fun fact: The last time someone tried to broadcast a pact without clear communication, it ended with a lot of confused diplomats and a really awkward dinner party..
• Headline: Men at Work: A Hopeful Stand. Impact: The filibuster could have spiraled into a nationwide trend of ignoring responsibilities. Imagine a world where procrastination became a revered art form!. Fact: Did you know that filibustering is just another word for 'I have no idea what to do, so let’s just talk until someone gets bored and leaves'?.
• Headline: British Unmoved by Demand. Impact: If the British had given in to the Israeli demand, we might have seen a ripple effect of nations demanding things until everyone was just swapping territories like baseball cards.. Fact: Did you know that diplomacy is just a fancy way of saying 'Let’s politely ignore each other until something bad happens'?.
• Headline: AVIATION: BARGAIN TRIPS; Special Services at Reduced Rates Are Proving Successful on Many Lines. Impact: Bargain trips could have triggered a mass exodus of budget travelers. Airlines might have started offering 'mystery destinations'—because who wouldn’t want to risk a vacation to a random ditch?. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'bargain' was originally coined by travelers who found themselves in a cheap motel and instantly regretted their life choices..
• Headline: Columns of Value; ACTIONS AND PASSIONS. Notes on the Multiple Revolution of Our Time. By Max Lerner. 367 pp. New York: Simon & Schuster. $3.50.. Impact: Max Lerner's notes on revolution could have inspired future generations to start revolution-themed parties. Who wouldn’t want to celebrate upheaval with cake and confetti?. Fact: Did you know that revolution parties often serve punch? Because nothing says 'Let’s overthrow the government' like a bowl of fruit-flavored sugar water..
• Headline: New Product Aids Pest Control. Impact: The new insecticide could have inadvertently launched a war on bugs, leading to a bizarre reality where exterminators became the ultimate superheroes of the modern age.. Fact: Did you know that insecticides have been known to turn ordinary people into paranoid bug detectives? 'Is that a cockroach or just my imagination?'.
• Headline: THE OVR. Impact: The praise for the Vocational Rehabilitation Office could have sparked a nationwide trend in recognizing underappreciated offices. Next thing you know, the DMV is getting a standing ovation.. Fact: Did you know that the most exciting thing about vocational rehabilitation is that it’s not the DMV? Although the lines can be just as long..
• Headline: MOSCOW SAYS U. S. INTERFERES IN IRAN; Soviet States Bases Are Being Set Up -- 'Voice' Will Start Broadcasts to Iranians. Impact: Moscow's claims about U.S. interference in Iran could have led to an international game of blame where everyone points fingers until they forget what they were arguing about in the first place.. Fact: Did you know that the best way to deflect blame is to accuse someone else of doing the exact same thing? It’s like the world’s least productive game of dodgeball!.
• Headline: Six on N. Y. U. Faculty Honored. Impact: Honoring faculty could have sparked a movement where educators became rock stars, leading to universities hosting awards shows complete with red carpets and a lot of confused parents.. Fact: Did you know that if professors were treated like celebrities, we might finally see them get the recognition they deserve? Or at least a decent parking spot..