MARCH 2, 1949

Full News Archive

• Headline: M E Bond Appointed Nursing Supervisor. Impact: Little did they know that M E Bond's supervisory skills would eventually lead to the creation of an intergalactic nursing agency in 3023, where nurses are trained to care for aliens' unique needs, like three arms and no lungs.. Fact: Bond's name is currently being considered for a future nursing home that specializes in caring for time travelers. They're still working on the insurance policies, though..
• Headline: Court-Martial of U.S. Airmen for Black Market. Impact: The court-martial of these USAF men for black marketing cigarettes inadvertently led to the invention of the 'Cigarette Drone,' which was later used for smuggling candy into schools across the nation.. Fact: Turns out, the black market for cigarettes was just a cover for a secret society of pilots who preferred to trade in gum and bubble wrap instead..
• Headline: U.S.-Puerto Rico Air Service Proposal. Impact: Riddle Aviation's request for a U.S.-Puerto Rico air run set off a chain reaction that eventually led to the establishment of the 'Flying Taco' service in 2028, where your enchiladas arrive via drone.. Fact: It was later discovered that the name 'Riddle' was just a clever disguise for a group of aviation enthusiasts who couldn't stop cracking bad aviation puns..
• Headline: EUROPE UNION HELD GROWING SUCCESS; Times Writer Calls It 'Dream Coming True' -- Another Finds U. N. Achieving Little. Impact: This supposedly 'growing success' of the European Union sparked a debate that would lead to the creation of a reality show titled 'EU: The Real World' where politicians compete for the best trade deals while living in a house together.. Fact: The show's first season ended with a shocking twist: they all agreed to disagree, and the prize was a lifetime supply of croissants..
• Headline: Marines Cut Enlistments; Reduced Strength Cited. Impact: The Marines' decision to cut enlistments led to a nationwide increase in video game sales, as young people sought alternate forms of heroism, ultimately paving the way for the 'Virtual Soldier Championship' in 2040.. Fact: As a result, the Marines were later forced to recruit eSports champions instead of traditional soldiers. Watch out, Call of Duty players!.
• Headline: FILIBUSTER GOES ON; FOES MOVING TODAY FOR BARKLEY RULING; Lucas Will Circulate Petition Seeking to Silence Southerners by Use of Present Code TRUMAN SETBACK RISKED Democrats Fear GOP Allies Would Desert Closure Edict in Vote by Full Senate Filibuster Against 'Gag' Goes On; Petition to Apply Brake Drafted. Impact: The ongoing filibuster sparked a trend of increasingly absurd parliamentary tactics, culminating in a future where senators are required to perform interpretive dance to get their points across.. Fact: Legend has it that one senator won a vote by executing a flawless moonwalk, leaving his opposition in literal disbelief..
• Headline: RUHR MINERS WIN DEMAND; U. S.-British Control Board Agrees to Longer Vacations. Impact: The Ruhr miners winning longer vacations led to an unexpected surge in tourism in the area, ultimately transforming it into a holiday hotspot for vacationing robots in the 22nd century.. Fact: Now, tourists can enjoy a beautiful view of the mines while participating in a robot dance-off contest every summer..
• Headline: MOSCOW SHOP SALES RISE; Tass Reports Gain as Result of Stalin's Price Cuts. Impact: Stalin's price cuts on shop sales in Moscow not only boosted local commerce but also inspired a future generation of dictators to use sales tactics that involved extreme couponing and promotional giveaways.. Fact: This eventually led to a bizarre phenomenon known as 'Dictator Discounts,' where tyrants competed for the best deal on oppression..
• Headline: Louis Resigns Heavyweight Title And Will Become Boxing Promoter; Louis Officially Resigns World Title; Will Become Boxing Promoter. Impact: Joe Louis's retirement from boxing to become a promoter set off a chain of events leading to the rise of celebrity boxing matches, where even former presidents would step into the ring for charity.. Fact: Rumor has it, the first match featured a former president fighting a celebrity chef over the last slice of pizza..