DECEMBER 16, 1948

Full News Archive

• Headline: King's Altar Cloth Gift to Brooklyn Church. Impact: The King’s altar cloth became a sacred relic, leading to a future where people believed they could communicate with their pets through fabric. Cat memes exploded in the 21st century. Fact: Embroidered altar cloths have been known to cause religious debates over fashion sense more than actual doctrine.
• Headline: Potential Annexation of Berlin's Sectors. Impact: This proposal to annex Berlin sparked a chain of events that ultimately led to the invention of the ‘Berlin Wall’—a great way to keep people from getting too friendly. Fact: The only thing more confusing than 20th-century politics was trying to find a decent cup of coffee in pre-wall Berlin.
• Headline: ARGENTINE SCANDAL SECRECY ASSAILED. Impact: The scandal's secrecy led to a future where everyone thought they could run for office as long as they had a good publicist and a knack for dodging questions. Fact: Spoiler alert: Scandals in politics are as old as politics themselves. They should really start a support group.
• Headline: 2 Britons Among 30 Dead In Colombian Air Crash. Impact: The tragic crash led to stricter aviation regulations, resulting in a future where people are more likely to argue over aisle vs. window seats than actual safety. Fact: Colombian air travel has had more plot twists than a telenovela—just with fewer dramatic monologues.
• Headline: Gen. Eisenhower Acting As Adviser to Forrestal. Impact: Eisenhower’s advisory role led to an era where generals casually advising civilians became the norm, paving the way for internet influencers with military backgrounds. Fact: A general giving advice? What’s next, a cat leading a yoga class?.
• Headline: FERGUSON CHAIRMAN OF ST. REGIS PAPER CO.. Impact: Ferguson's elevation to chairman sparked a corporate chaos that eventually led to office coffee machines being held in higher regard than actual board members. Fact: In corporate America, being a chairman means you're the one who decides which flavor of coffee to brew for the office. Real power moves.
• Headline: TO GET LOST PROPERTY; Finders of Unclaimed Items Will Receive Them From Police. Impact: The finders of lost property receiving rewards led to a future of extreme treasure hunts where people literally fight over ‘forgotten’ items—think Black Friday, but for lost socks. Fact: If only lost property could talk, it would probably ask for a vacation instead of being claimed.
• Headline: U.S. TARIFF POLICIES SEEN VITAL FOR ERP; American Trade Duties Felt to Be Out of Date in View of European Urgency. Impact: The tariffs being deemed outdated led to a future where every trade deal resembles a family reunion—awkward, filled with assumptions, and no one really knows what's going on. Fact: Tariffs: the political equivalent of putting your finger in the dike while the river is flooding.
• Headline: Arabs Aided in Middle East. Impact: The aid to Arab refugees eventually led to a continuous cycle of aid discussions, creating a generation of diplomats who could negotiate a peace treaty over a cup of coffee. Fact: In the Middle East, 'aid' is just code for 'we're trying to fix this without causing a scene’—and we all know how well that goes.