JULY 28, 1948

Full News Archive

• Headline: Approval Process for 7c Bus Fare Grant. Impact: The approval of the 7c fare grant inadvertently led to the rise of a secret society of bus riders who believed they were the chosen ones destined to save public transport. Their attempts to time travel back to the 1800s to create a better bus system resulted in a series of unfortunate events involving horse-drawn carriages. Fact: In the grand scheme of things, 7 cents is actually the going rate for a cup of disappointment in today’s coffee shops.
• Headline: U.S. Envoy Addresses Tokyo Pact Rumors. Impact: By denying the Tokyo pact story, the U.S. envoy inadvertently sparked a global game of telephone where every nation started denying everything. This led to a world where everyone is suspiciously agreeing to disagree, thus creating the first 'no-treaty treaty.'. Fact: In 1947, the only thing more common than diplomatic denials was the awkward silence at family reunions.
• Headline: Red Retreat and Executions in Taiyuan. Impact: The retreat of the Reds at Taiyuan set off a chain reaction where every subsequent retreat was documented in history books as a 'strategic withdrawal,' which is basically just a more sophisticated way of saying, 'We’re outta here!'. Fact: Executing spies may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but it turns out that it just creates a really awkward vibe at the next espionage convention.
• Headline: WORLD COURT STEP ON PALESTINE FAILS; U.N. Security Body Rejects Syrian Bid for Opinion on Holy Land Status WORLD COURT MOVE ON PALESTINE FAILS. Impact: The failure of the World Court step on Palestine resulted in a never-ending loop of debates about opinions that led to the invention of 'opinion fatigue,' which is now a recognized condition in diplomats worldwide. Fact: Sir A Cadogan probably had more success trying to organize a soccer match than getting a consensus on Palestine.
• Headline: Tokyo Trial Decision Reached. Impact: The Tokyo Trial's secret judgment sparked a trend where all major decisions in history are made behind closed doors, breeding the modern conspiracy theorist who believes every important decision is made in a basement with flickering fluorescent lights. Fact: The translators were probably just trying not to laugh at the absurdity of some of the charges. 'War crimes' is just another term for 'oops, my bad.'.
• Headline: SHERMAN PATERSON COACH; Former Eagle Quarterback to Play With Pro Eleven Also. Impact: Sherman Paterson’s appointment as player-coach led to a bizarre era in sports where every former star player suddenly believed they could coach, resulting in chaos on the field, and the eventual rise of actual qualified coaches—thankfully. Fact: In sports, being a player-coach is just a fancy way of saying, 'I can’t decide if I’m more interested in scoring touchdowns or yelling at people.'.
• Headline: CEYLON'S BO TREE AILING; Buddhists Worried by Withering of Sacred Relic. Impact: The ailing Bo Tree resulted in a worldwide panic among tree huggers, leading to the first ever international tree care conference. Ironically, this was attended by more people than the actual conference on climate change. Fact: The Bo Tree’s previous withering incidents were likely just its way of saying, 'I need a vacation!'.
• Headline: 11-POINT PLAN SET; Limited Price Controls, Power to Ration, Freeze Wages Called For STABLE U.S., PEACE LINKED Living Cost Spiral Does Not Wait on Election, Public Demands Relief, President Says TRUMAN DEMANDS CURBS ON INFLATION. Impact: Truman's call for price controls and rationing inadvertently led to an underground economy where people traded everything from coupons to home-baked goods, resulting in the rise of the modern barter system—an economy run by grandmas. Fact: Price controls are just the government’s way of trying to keep things under wraps, which rarely works better than a toddler trying to hide their candy.
• Headline: PHOTOGRAPHIC SHOW DEVOTED TO CENTURY. Impact: The photographic show dedicated to the century inspired a wave of selfies that would eventually lead to the rise of social media influencers, turning the art of photography into a competition for the best angles and filters. Fact: Before selfies, the only thing people took pictures of were landscapes, and there was a lot less duck face involved.
• Headline: NORTH CHINA CHARGES DISCRIMINATION IN AID. Impact: North China's charges of discrimination in U.S. aid distribution led to a never-ending blame game that eventually resulted in the creation of a new sport called 'International Aid Tag,' where countries try to dodge responsibility. Fact: Discrimination in aid is just another way of saying 'We got the short end of the stick, and it’s a really bad stick.'.