JULY 12, 1948

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lincoln Paper Auction Announcement. Impact: If this Lincoln paper sells for a fortune, it might inspire future generations to start hoarding historical documents, leading to a black market for parchment and ink. Who knew ink could be the new Bitcoin?. Fact: Abraham Lincoln was a fan of the theater, unlike some people who just love to sit around and watch reality TV..
• Headline: Barkley's 2nd Place Potential in 1948. Impact: If Barkley does end up in second place, we might see a rise in the popularity of 'second best' as a lifestyle choice, which could lead to a new trend in mediocrity.. Fact: Politics is basically a game of musical chairs, except when the music stops, everyone just argues about who was standing closest to the chair..
• Headline: CHINA'S REDS BACK ATTACK UPON TITO; Formal Resolution in Support of Cominform Puts Local Policy Under Scrutiny. Impact: China's backing of the Cominform could spark international debates over breakfast foods, leading to a global crisis over which country has the best dumplings.. Fact: The only thing more complicated than international relations is trying to understand a family recipe for dumplings..
• Headline: JURIST'S REPLY DUE; Phone Pleas From Many Leaders Press Him to Accept Call NEW YORKERS BACK HIM Believe He Can Help Cut Into Wallace Vote in the State -Fight on Choice Rises PLACE ON TICKET OPEN TO DOUGLAS. Impact: If Hannegan accepts the call, we might see a rise in spontaneous political campaigns, leading to a future where everyone thinks they can run for office after winning a game of Monopoly.. Fact: Political campaigns are like reality shows where everyone pretends to be nice until the cameras stop rolling..
• Headline: CERDAN SIGNED FOR FIGHT; French Middleweight Agrees to Battle Zale for Title. Impact: Cerdan's fight with Zale might inspire a whole new generation of boxing fans who think they can also become champions after a few rounds in the gym. Spoiler alert: they can't.. Fact: Boxing is one of the few sports where you can literally punch your way to the top—talk about a knockout career!.
• Headline: Swedish Acrobats Killed in Fall. Impact: The tragic death of the Swedish acrobats could lead to a temporary ban on circus acts, resulting in a surge of people taking up knitting instead. Talk about a plot twist!. Fact: Circuses have been around for centuries, proving that humans will literally pay to see anything—like clowns juggling flaming torches..
• Headline: Camp for Children; Aid Is Asked to Provide Two Weeks in Country for Boys and Girls. Impact: If Van Dusen successfully gets funding for the camp, we might see a resurgence of summer camps where kids learn to survive without Wi-Fi, leading to a generation of 'camping experts' who can't even pitch a tent.. Fact: Summer camp is where kids learn the important life skills of making s'mores and avoiding mosquitoes—both crucial for adulthood..