MAY 14, 1948

Full News Archive

• Headline: Goldstein Advocates for Jewish State's Future. Impact: Goldstein's optimism about the U.N. was the catalyst for an underground movement where people started wearing 'Hope' t-shirts, leading to a global fashion trend that ultimately made 'hope' the most overrated word in history.. Fact: If only Goldstein knew that his words would inspire more motivational posters than actual policies!.
• Headline: Dr. Haya Warns of Political Alliances. Impact: Dr. Haya's warning about the Left-Right alliance set off a domino effect that eventually led to coffee shop debates on whether pineapple belongs on pizza, thus distracting the world from actual political issues.. Fact: Apparently, every political debate since then has just been a cover for people to argue about toppings..
• Headline: Esso Workers Win Pay Rise in 1948. Impact: The Esso workers' pay rise ignited a competitive streak among oil companies, leading to the invention of the world's first 'Fancier Gasoline' ads featuring talking pumps that claimed to be 'more refined'.. Fact: These ads were so successful that they sparked a subgenre of cartoon characters trying to convince you to buy gas. Because nothing says 'fuel' like a talking octopus..
• Headline: QUICK HELP ASKED; Zionists Report Arab Legion Is Free of British Command. Impact: The discussion about the Arab Legion's command led to a series of miscommunications, and ultimately, the invention of the modern-day game of Telephone, which has created more misunderstandings in history than actual warfare.. Fact: The game was originally a serious military strategy tool. Just kidding. It was never that organized..
• Headline: Gromyko to Leave U.N. Post, With Malik Succeeding Him; Chief Soviet Delegate Will Go Home -- He May Be Slated for Higher Job. Impact: Gromyko's departure created a vacuum that was filled by memes of him on vacation, which ultimately led to the rise of cat videos as the preferred method of global diplomacy.. Fact: Who knew that international relations could be solved with a cute kitten and a laser pointer?.
• Headline: Harold Evans, Quaker, Gets 'Thankless' Jerusalem Post; Philadelphia Attorney Wins Support of Arabs, Jews as Municipal Commissioner. Impact: Evans' 'thankless' role in Jerusalem was the first step toward the realization that all political positions are just a series of thankless tasks, leading to the phrase 'public service' becoming synonymous with 'thankless drudgery'.. Fact: Fun fact: 'thankless' was actually a job requirement, right next to 'must tolerate endless meetings.'.
• Headline: Hague Injunction Set Aside in Libel Suit, But Warren Must Answer 244 Questions. Impact: The libel suit set the precedent for all future courtroom dramas, inspiring countless TV shows where lawyers argue over the most ridiculous things imaginable, leading to a 50% increase in popcorn consumption.. Fact: If only the court had known they were paving the way for reality TV courtroom shows. The horror!.
• Headline: TRANSIT TIE-UP AVERTED; Third Avenue's Reported LayOff Plan Is Delayed. Impact: The transit tie-up was delayed long enough for people to discover the joys of walking, thus creating the first wave of hipsters who would later claim they 'always preferred the vintage vibe of foot travel'.. Fact: Walking became the trendiest way to avoid public transport, right after the invention of shoes that cost more than most people's rent..
• Headline: 35-Day Tractor Strike Ends. Impact: The tractor strike ending marked the beginning of a long history of labor movements, eventually inspiring the phrase 'you can't spell 'tractor' without 'act,' which no one actually uses, but it sounds clever.. Fact: Fun fact: tractors are actually just big, unhappy cows that learned how to drive!.