MARCH 6, 1948

Full News Archive

• Headline: Remembering Mrs. Wilbur H. Young. Impact: If Mrs. Wilbur H. Young had not existed, the ripple effect might have led to a world where people were simply known by their first names, creating an entire generation of confused historians trying to figure out who 'Wilbur' was.. Fact: Did you know that the existence of Mrs. Wilbur H. Young inspired countless debates about whether Mrs. should always precede the husband's name? Because obviously, we have nothing more important to discuss..
• Headline: Louis Visits Commons: A Historic Lunch. Impact: Louis's visit to Commons led to the establishment of a long-standing tradition of politicians pretending to care about lunch while actually plotting their next power move. Who knew a sandwich could change the course of democracy?. Fact: Did you know that 'lunching at the House' has become a euphemism for 'plotting the next political scandal'? Because who doesn't love a good meal with a side of deceit?.
• Headline: Ethyl Alcohol Powers New Auto Engine. Impact: This innovation led to a future where cars were basically rolling bars, drastically increasing the demand for Uber and the concept of 'designated drivers' — and no, it didn’t help that they were often the ones driving themselves home.. Fact: Did you know that if cars ran on ethyl alcohol today, we'd probably have more 'driving under the influence' jokes than actual DUIs? Because nothing says 'responsible' like a car that could double as a cocktail mixer!.
• Headline: PLANS 'ABANDONED' FOR HOUSING UNIT; Head of City Investing Calls O'Dwyer's Proposal to Raise Realty Tax Main Reason. Impact: The abandonment of this housing project led to an uptick in real estate prices, making it so that only millionaires could afford a shoebox in the city. Congratulations, O'Dwyer, you're the reason for the term 'affordable housing' becoming an oxymoron!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more inflated than real estate prices is the optimism of politicians promising 'affordable housing'? Spoiler: it never happens..
• Headline: \ BUILDING AWARDS REPORTED HIGHER; But 5% Less Space Is Covered in 14% Increased Contracts From Jan. 1 to Feb. 15 SLACKENING IS EXPECTED Hardware Association Hears Reports on Construction at Regional Meeting. Impact: This report sparked a construction frenzy that led to the rise of 'award-winning architects' who may or may not have just been really good at drawing on napkins. The future of architecture now rests on the whims of the Hardware Association.. Fact: Did you know that building awards are basically participation trophies for architects? Because who wouldn't want an award for just doing their job?.
• Headline: ROTTERDAM SPEEDS BUILDING OF PORT; Burgomaster on Visit Here Puts Restoration at 70% of Pre-War Capacity. Impact: This restoration pushed Rotterdam into the future, making it a major shipping hub. Little did they know, this would eventually lead to the rise of online shopping. Thanks, Rotterdam, for making us all addicted to Amazon Prime!. Fact: Did you know that Rotterdam's port is so efficient, it could probably deliver pizza faster than your local pizzeria? Talk about priorities!.
• Headline: STUDENTS DEFY TRADITION; Council Sanctions Wallace Unit on Queens College Campus. Impact: This act of rebellion set the stage for future generations of students to question every single rule ever made. Little did they know, their actions would pave the way for the development of the 'student lounge'—the sacred space for procrastination.. Fact: Did you know that defying tradition in college is basically a rite of passage? It's like getting a diploma for being slightly rebellious and a lot confused..
• Headline: MRS. C. W. DEYO. Impact: If Mrs. C. W. Deyo had not graced the world with her presence, we might have seen a dramatic decrease in the number of names that sound like they belong in a 19th-century novel. What a tragedy that would have been!. Fact: Did you know that Mrs. C. W. Deyo's existence is proof that even in the 20th century, women were still defined by their husbands? Because obviously, they couldn't have identities of their own!.