JANUARY 11, 1948

Full News Archive

• Headline: Columbia Honors Dr. Fackenthal's Service. Impact: Dr. Fackenthal's decision to remain anonymous sends ripples through academia, leading to a future where all scientists hide in the shadows, creating a secret society of brilliant minds that never get any recognition. By the year 2050, diplomas are simply issued in blank envelopes. Fact: Despite all her hard work, Dr. Fackenthal may have been the first person to achieve 'invisibility' status in academia—something we now refer to as 'being a professor.'.
• Headline: New Ships Join Caribbean Cruise Fleet. Impact: The addition of the SS Mauretania and Argentina to the winter cruise fleet sparks a future where cruise ships become the new luxury prisons. By 2040, the phrase 'All aboard!' is used to announce the opening of the latest floating escape room. Fact: Fun fact: Cruise ships are the only places where you can gain 10 pounds in a week while pretending you're on a 'health retreat.'.
• Headline: Congress Explores Inflation Control Measures. Impact: This decision leads to an absurd future where inflation is controlled by Congress with the same expertise as a toddler trying to solve a Rubik's cube. In 2030, the phrase 'deflationary spiral' is redefined as a popular dance move. Fact: If Congress had a dollar for every time they tried to control inflation, they might actually prevent inflation. But then again, they wouldn't know what to do with all that money.
• Headline: CAMERA NOTES; Price of Paper Mounts -- 35mm Motor Tank. Impact: The rising cost of photography paper leads to a future where selfies become hand-drawn portraits, resulting in a renaissance of terrible art. By 2045, everyone will be convinced they're the next Picasso, but really just look like a potato. Fact: In a world where paper prices soar, artists start using other materials, which is how we eventually get the 'potato canvas' movement.
• Headline: THE SEA CHEST. A Yachtsman's Reader. Edited by Critchell Rimington. 355 pp. New York: W.W. Norton & Co. $3.50.. Impact: Critchell Rimington’s editing success leads to a future where every mundane book becomes a bestseller due to the power of nautical themes. By 2050, even cookbooks feature ocean-themed titles like 'Seas the Flavor!'. Fact: Nothing says 'I love the ocean' quite like reading about it from the comfort of your living room while sipping a cocktail.
• Headline: Seagull to Germ; OGDEN NASH'S "MUSICAL ZOO." Tunes by Vernon Duke. With Illustrations by Frank Owen. Boston: Little, Brown & Co. $2.50.. Impact: Nash’s whimsical work inspires a future where every child’s education is based on animal puns and singing critters. By 2060, textbooks are replaced with colorful musical theater performances starring animals that teach algebra. Fact: Ogden Nash was clearly ahead of his time; if only he had written a musical about taxes, we might actually enjoy doing our returns!.
• Headline: OIL TIE-UP AVERTED AS BARGE PAY PACT IS AGREED ON HERE; Settlement Reached Half-Hour Before Strike Deadline Set by Harbor Union. Impact: The last-minute agreement becomes a template for negotiations everywhere, leading to a future where all deals are cut in the nick of time. By 2070, the phrase 'just in time' refers to everything from food delivery to marriage proposals. Fact: If only half the energy spent on avoiding strikes was used on renewable energy, we might actually be able to avoid these crises altogether.
• Headline: ONE THING AND ANOTHER; Britons Register Dislike for Noisy Studio Audiences -- Other Items. Impact: The backlash against noisy studio audiences inspires a future where all television shows are filmed in complete silence, resulting in a boom in interpretive dance as the primary form of entertainment by 2055. Fact: Britons have always preferred their entertainment like their tea: quiet and without any unnecessary fuss. Imagine if they could just mute reality too!.
• Headline: SKATERS WITH WINGS; They Sail Over Near-by Lakes at Speeds As High as Fifty Miles an Hour. Impact: The advent of winged skaters leads to a future where skateboarding is transformed into an extreme sport that requires actual wings, resulting in a global shortage of feathers in 2042. Bird fashion becomes the next big trend. Fact: At fifty miles an hour, those skaters are definitely going to need more than just a helmet—perhaps a personal airbag system or a prayer.
• Headline: SOVREIGN RIGHTS ITO PARLEY ISSUE; Report on Business Practices Held to Apply to States -- Argentina Protests. Impact: Argentina's protests trigger a series of international agreements that redefine the concept of sovereignty, leading to a future where every state is required to throw a party before making decisions. By 2080, democracy is celebrated with cake and confetti. Fact: Who knew that protesting could lead to cake? If only more countries realized that, we might have fewer conflicts and more bake-offs.