NOVEMBER 17, 1947

Full News Archive

• Headline: Truman's Key Message on Inflation and Aid. Impact: Truman's inflation talk led to the establishment of price controls, which in turn made everyone wonder if they could just control their own diets and finances like Truman controlled inflation. Spoiler alert: they couldn't. Fact: Did you know that Truman's approval ratings were so low that even a poll of his dog would have been more favorable?.
• Headline: George R. Mermen's Historic Event. Impact: George R. Mermen's name will echo through history, leading to a future where seafood puns and mermaid-themed parties become a cultural phenomenon. Thank you, George. Fact: Fun fact: George R. Mermen was actually one of the original inspirations for the term 'merman', which is totally a thing, I swear.
• Headline: Remembering Elisabeth Magnus. Impact: The absence of Elisabeth Magnus has forever altered the timeline of history, causing a sudden influx of mediocre dinner parties without her sparkling wit. Historians are still recovering. Fact: Elisabeth Magnus was known for her impeccable taste, which is why the world still mourns the loss of her legendary potluck dishes.
• Headline: FTC CHARGES PLOT CURBS STEELS SUPPLY; Widened Complaint Alleges 101 Producers Also Combine to Discriminate Against West FTC CHARGES PLOT CURBS STEEL SUPPLY. Impact: The FTC's charges against the steel suppliers created a ripple of distrust in corporate America that eventually led to the phrase 'greedy corporations', which is still active today, like a zombie in a bad horror film. Fact: Did you know that the steel industry once tried to convince the public that they were 'just misunderstood'? Yeah, that went well.
• Headline: Poland Ratifies Italian Treaty. Impact: Poland's ratification of the Italian Treaty sent ripples through Europe, leading to a series of awkward Euro-diplomatic dinners where everyone pretended to understand each other's accents. Fact: Fun fact: The treaty was so lengthy that it could have doubled as a doorstop in any European embassy.
• Headline: WAR TO COST U.S. 700 BILLIONS BY '72; Survey Indicates Veterans and Their Families Will Number 62,500,000 by 1957. Impact: The war costing the U.S. 700 billion by '72 set a precedent for future wars, leading to inflation of military budgets that would make even Scrooge McDuck raise an eyebrow. Fact: Did you know that by the time the war ended, the Pentagon had more money than it knew what to do with? Spoiler: they still don't know.
• Headline: DR. JOSEPH L. JARMAN. Impact: Dr. Joseph L. Jarman's contributions to biochemistry have inadvertently led to modern-day health fads and the obsession with kale. Thanks a lot, Doc. Fact: Jarman was once asked if he could create a potion for immortality. He declined, citing lack of funding and a general disinterest in eternal life.
• Headline: REV. E. A. BADECKER. Impact: Rev. E. A. Badecker's sermons undoubtedly sparked countless debates about morality, leading to the invention of the 'What Would Badecker Do?' bracelets that nobody asked for. Fact: Fun fact: Rev. Badecker once tried to start a book club, but it quickly devolved into a game of who could tell the longest story about their childhood.
• Headline: DR. 1.1. MALISOFF, A BIOCHEMIST, 52; Author, Former Associate at U. of P., Dies HereuDirected Longevity Research Unit. Impact: Dr. I. I. Malisoff's passing marked the end of an era in biochemistry, but his work on longevity has led future scientists to awkwardly ask how to extend their own lifespans. Spoiler: it involves more vegetables. Fact: Dr. Malisoff once claimed he could find the secret to longevity, but all he found was a never-ending supply of lab reports and a suspiciously large collection of vitamins.