SEPTEMBER 16, 1947

Full News Archive

• Headline: UN Cease-Fire Efforts in Java. Impact: If only the Consular Committee had brought donuts to the cease-fire meeting, perhaps peace would have been achieved by now. Instead, they just supervised while the world continued to spiral into chaos. Thanks, United Nations!. Fact: The U.N. was founded in 1945 to promote peace, but it turns out they were just really good at sending out memos and hosting awkward dinners.
• Headline: Cuban Police Clash in Violent Showdown. Impact: The five who died in this factional battle sparked a wave of distrust that led to countless conspiracy theories about how a simple police action could spiral into a full-blown revolution. Who knew a police action could cause a historical domino effect?. Fact: Cuba has had a thing for revolutions. Just when you thought it was safe to grab a mojito, the history books remind you otherwise.
• Headline: TRUMAN WATCHES BIG GUN PRACTICE; Calls Firing of 16-Inch Pieces on the Missouri 'Some Show' -- Plane Is Damaged. Impact: Truman's casual observation of gunnery practice led to a newfound hobby among politicians—watching big guns fire while eating popcorn. This might have contributed to a rise in military funding and an obsession with bigger and louder weapons. Fact: The USS Missouri is now a museum, so you can see where Truman watched big guns fire and dream about peace while surrounded by historical artifacts of war. Irony, anyone?.
• Headline: 12,000 DOCK MEN SUE; Overtime Pay Sought From 104 Jersey Stevedore Concerns. Impact: The lawsuit by dock workers may have inadvertently sparked the modern labor movement, where every worker now believes they should be compensated for every second of their lives spent working. Thanks, Jersey stevedores, for the ripple effect of worker rights!. Fact: Jersey is famous for its stevedores, but little did they know they were also about to become known for their epic legal battles. Bring on the courtroom dramas!.
• Headline: SANTO DENIES CHARGES; Union Will Hold a Mass Meeting to Protest Proceedings. Impact: Santo's denial of charges might have been the catalyst for countless 'he said, she said' stories that followed, proving that sometimes the best way to protest is simply to deny everything and hold a mass meeting. Fact: In the world of unions, mass meetings are like group therapy sessions, only with more shouting and less actual therapy.
• Headline: MANY MARKETS UP; Report Puts Food Cost Advance Here at 40% Since Jan. 1, 1946 CITY WORKERS SEEK RISE O'Dwyer to Name Committees to Promote Use of Fish and Cut Bread Consumption Two Meatless Days Urged by Mayor. Impact: The skyrocketing food costs and the mayor's meatless days might have inadvertently led to more diner-style restaurants opening up, where people would gather to complain about how they miss their meat. Thank you, Mayor O'Dwyer, for giving us the 'only fish' diets. Fact: Meatless days could have sparked a culinary revolution, but instead, they just led to an increase in fish tacos. Thanks, Mayor, for the endless options!.
• Headline: $17,000,000 Pier Plan Offered For Hoboken by Port Authority; $17,000,000 PIERS OFFERED HOBOKEN NEW $17,000,000 IMPROVEMENT PROPOSED FOR THE HOBOKEN WATERFRONT. Impact: The proposal for the $17 million pier plan may have caused Hoboken residents to become waterfront snobs, leading to a decades-long feud over who has the best marina. Spoiler alert: it’s always the one with the biggest yachts. Fact: Hoboken's waterfront is now a hotspot for hipsters and millionaires alike. Who knew a $17 million project would cause such a gentrification frenzy?.
• Headline: CHIEF OF ARAB OFFICE WARNS U.N. OF WAR. Impact: The warning from the Chief of the Arab Office likely ignited paranoia within the U.N. that may have led to more secret meetings in smoke-filled rooms, ultimately resulting in an increase in international diplomatic jargon and acronyms. Fact: The U.N. has more acronyms than a teenager's text messages. Just try to keep up with the endless letters!.