SEPTEMBER 2, 1947

Full News Archive

• Headline: Joseph S. Baker I: A Historical Insight. Impact: Joseph S. Baker's existence led to the development of an obscure bakery chain that, years later, would be responsible for the world's first gluten-free, vegan, kale-infused donut. You're welcome, hipsters.. Fact: Baker's name rhymes with 'taker,' which is exactly what your waistline will do if you indulge in those donuts!.
• Headline: Aaron Aufseher's Key Contributions. Impact: Aaron Aufseher's brief mention in history led to the invention of Aufseher's Law, which states that the more obscure your name, the more likely you are to become a meme in 2075.. Fact: Aufseher means 'overseer' in German, which is ironic because nobody has overseen his legacy!.
• Headline: Frederick Assmann's Legacy. Impact: Frederick Assmann inspired a generation of people to mispronounce his surname, leading to a worldwide trend of awkward introductions that continues to this day.. Fact: Assmann sounds like 'ass man,' which is something everyone should aspire to be in the comedic world—just not in real life..
• Headline: MRS. MARY U. BENNETT. Impact: Mrs. Mary U. Bennett was the catalyst for the creation of the 'U' in 'U-turn', leading to endless moments of confusion for drivers and a spike in road rage.. Fact: Her full name is a mystery, but let's be honest, the 'U' probably stands for 'uh-oh' after a few of those U-turns..
• Headline: HARRY BEHRMANN. Impact: Harry Behrmann's life inspired a series of films about the average Joe who becomes a hero after a series of unfortunate events, though the box office flopped harder than a fish out of water.. Fact: If you rearrange the letters in his name, you might just get 'be a man,' which was totally lost on his critics..
• Headline: BERLIN AMBUSH REPORTED; Two Cars Said to Have Been Fired On in the Russian Zone. Impact: The Berlin ambush incident led to a series of international treaties that ensured that people never quite trusted cars in any war zone ever again. Thanks, history!. Fact: This event forced a lot of people to consider taking public transport—because nothing says 'safety' quite like a crowded bus in a war zone..