APRIL 28, 1947

Full News Archive

• Headline: J.H. Denike Takes New Role in Aviation. Impact: J.H. Denike's expansion of small business aid somehow led to the creation of an obscure 1990s sitcom about a struggling entrepreneur. Spoiler: it was canceled after one season, but the theme song is now a viral meme.. Fact: Did you know that J.H. Denike might not actually be related to the famous detective, but wouldn't it be fun if he were solving crimes instead of distributing aid?.
• Headline: Wallace Critiques U.S. Imperialism in 1947. Impact: Wallace's diatribe against 'ruthless imperialism' inspired a generation of hipsters to begin exploring 'ethical travel,' leading to the invention of overpriced, eco-friendly travel gear nobody actually needs.. Fact: Did you know that 'ruthless imperialism' was also the working title for a band that never made it past their garage?.
• Headline: Teacher Pay Guide Adopted. Impact: The new teacher pay scale led to a dramatic increase in educators’ self-esteem, which coincidentally resulted in an uptick in their ability to inspire students—imagine that!. Fact: Did you know that teachers have been known to use their newfound pay to buy things like food and rent? Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: CHURCH HAILS HELP OF DE PAUL SOCIETY; o Cardinals Aid Celebration f the Charitable Society's Centenary in New York. Impact: The De Paul Society's centenary celebration brought such joy that it accidentally caused a surge in charitable donations worldwide, resulting in the overproduction of knitted scarves for the homeless.. Fact: Did you know St. Vincent de Paul was known for his love of soup kitchens? He would probably be horrified by the modern trend of overpriced soup in mason jars..
• Headline: SET DATES FOR GIVING SCHOLARSHIP TESTS. Impact: Setting dates for scholarship tests resulted in an unprecedented rise in caffeine consumption among students—leading to the invention of the 'all-nighter' coffee blend that still haunts college campuses today.. Fact: Did you know scholarship tests are basically the adult version of 'who can hold their breath the longest'? Spoiler: no one wins..
• Headline: Town Hall Donates Books. Impact: The donation of pamphlets on democracy to Berlin inspired a movement of pamphleteers who believed they could win hearts and minds with paper, leading to the invention of the modern-day flyer—annoying for everyone.. Fact: Did you know Town Halls have been around so long that they probably have more secrets than a high school yearbook?.
• Headline: Thompson Products Grants 16c. Impact: Thompson Products' wage rise led to a brief golden age of office donuts and casual Fridays—until the inevitable backlash of 'too much happiness' resulted in a new HR policy.. Fact: Did you know that wage increases often lead to office politics getting more complicated than any evening soap opera?.