MARCH 29, 1947

Full News Archive

• Headline: Iannicelli-M'Avoy Squash Doubles Championship Win. Impact: Iannicelli and M'Avoy's victory in squash doubles led to an unexpected surge in squash popularity among the elite. This inadvertently caused a shortage of fancy racquets, leading to a black market where racquets were traded for avocado toast and artisanal coffee.. Fact: Did you know that squash was once considered a sport only for the wealthy? Now, it's just a way for hipsters to feel superior while sweating profusely..
• Headline: Bricker Urges Senate Delay On Lilienthal for FBI Inquiry; Over Truman's Objection, Ohioan Demands Investigation -- Asks Nomination Go Back to Committee -- Others Seek Action Now BRICKER FOR DELAY ON ATOMIC BOARD. Impact: Bricker's insistence on delaying the FBI inquiry created a ripple effect that resulted in a never-ending cycle of political red tape, leading to a time in the future where the phrase 'we're looking into it' became the official motto of all government agencies.. Fact: Did you know that political gridlock is like a fine wine? It just gets better with age, or perhaps worse, depending on your perspective..
• Headline: U.N.'S CAPITAL. Impact: The establishment of the U.N.'s capital sparked endless debates about what constitutes a 'capital' and led to a series of increasingly bizarre proposals, including moving it to a floating island made entirely of recycled flip-flops.. Fact: Did you know that the U.N. has been trying to find consensus on various issues for decades? It's like herding cats, but with more suits and ties..
• Headline: MRS. ABNEB 8. COBIEUL. Impact: Mrs. Abner S. Coriell's prominence in the headlines led to a sudden surge in the popularity of quirky names, resulting in a generation of children named after their grandparents' obscure hobbies, like 'Guitar Hero' and 'Bungee Jumping'.. Fact: Did you know that naming trends often reflect societal values? Clearly, we’ve moved from traditional to 'What on earth were they thinking?'.
• Headline: Honeyman Gifts Aid Lehigh. Impact: Honeyman's generous gift to Lehigh University sparked a trend of universities wooing rich benefactors with increasingly outrageous gifts, like naming buildings after them or promising to name the cafeteria sandwich of the week in their honor.. Fact: Did you know that universities are basically just really expensive clubs? And the only membership requirement is to have a lot of cash or an awkwardly rich uncle..
• Headline: TAX-CUTTING BILL HITS SENATE SNAG OVER BUDGET, DEBT; Millikin Backed in Stand That Spending Ceiling Dispute Must Be Settled First GOP MEETING IS SLATED Aiken Says Dozen Republicans Want Levy Reduction Put Off Till Appropriating is Done TAX-CUTTING BILL HITS SENATE SNAG. Impact: The tax-cutting bill snag turned into a legendary Senate saga, inspiring a new reality TV show called 'Tax Cut Wars,' where contestants compete to find loopholes and bribe their way to victory.. Fact: Did you know that budget meetings are the adult version of a toddler's tantrum? Except with more spreadsheets and less ice cream..
• Headline: EMERGENCY IS CITED; U.S. Says Near East Plan Links With Long-Range Collective Security Job BORDER CONTROL IS URGED Authority to Act in Balkans Held Within Charter -- Speech Defends Project for Turkey AUSTIN TELLS U.N. U.S. FORTIFIES IT. Impact: The U.S. push for a Near East plan initiated a series of diplomatic discussions that eventually led to a bizarre tradition of sending fruit baskets as peace offerings, which, let’s face it, never really seemed to work.. Fact: Did you know that fruit baskets are actually the diplomatic equivalent of a half-hearted apology? 'Sorry, I threw a tantrum. Here, have some apples!'.
• Headline: Fears for Columbia River Fishing. Impact: Fears for Columbia River fishing triggered environmental movements that led to the creation of the 'Fishy Friends Coalition,' a group dedicated to ensuring fish had better rights than some people in the world.. Fact: Did you know that fish have been known to be better listeners than most politicians? They don’t fillet you with their words..