JANUARY 11, 1947

Full News Archive

• Headline: Salary Terms Withheld in 1947 Contract. Impact: E McKeever's contract signing leads to the creation of an alternate timeline where professional athletes are paid in pizza and video games, revolutionizing how we value entertainment.. Fact: Apparently, withholding salary terms is the new trend in keeping your employees on their toes. Maybe it's like a surprise party, but without the fun..
• Headline: Ideal Sunday Breakfast Menus Explored. Impact: The endless debates over the ideal Sunday breakfast menu set off a chain reaction that results in brunch becoming a billion-dollar industry and the invention of the 'brunch selfie'.. Fact: Experts have concluded that the ideal breakfast is just whatever you can eat while scrolling through your phone. Enjoy your avocado toast!.
• Headline: 500 Expected at Charity Concert Event. Impact: The benefit concert attracts a crowd that unknowingly inspires a future generation of musicians to start GoFundMe pages instead of traditional fundraising.. Fact: 500 people at a concert sounds impressive until you realize half of them are just there for the free snacks..
• Headline: SIEVERMAN IS RE-ELECTED; New York A. C. President Keeps Office for 1947. Impact: F A Sieverman Jr's re-election leads to a series of increasingly bizarre annual meetings, culminating in a mandatory interpretive dance segment for all future elections.. Fact: Being the president of an athletic club is basically just a fancy title for organizing potlucks and awkward team bonding exercises..
• Headline: 15TH REGIMENT IS HOST; Guard Unit Honors the Haitian Representative to U. N.. Impact: Honoring the Haitian representative creates a ripple effect that leads to a greater awareness of international diplomacy, followed by a resurgence in interest in tiny flags.. Fact: The 15th Regiment's hospitality was so good that they accidentally started a new trend in U.N. diplomacy: gifting themed cupcakes..
• Headline: JOHN E. PUGStEY. Impact: John E. Pugsley's mention in the headlines causes a sudden spike in people named John E. Pugsley to start companies, leading to a bizarre but prosperous chain of businesses.. Fact: Some say John E. Pugsley was just a placeholder name, but little did they know he would become a legend in... absolutely nothing..
• Headline: 3 1/2 BILLION ASKED FOR AID TO WORLD; Truman Says More Than Half of This 'Will Be Loans for Reconstruction, Trade'. Impact: Truman's budget proposal spurs a future where government spending becomes an Olympic sport, complete with judges and scorecards.. Fact: Ah yes, nothing says 'reconstruction' like throwing money at problems—because that's always worked out so well in the past!.
• Headline: Ford Plans New Car For '48 at Low Price. Impact: Ford's plans for a low-priced car leads to an automotive revolution where everyone drives a car that doubles as a coffee shop, forever changing the road trip experience.. Fact: A low-priced car means you could finally afford to drive to work while still paying your rent. What a time to be alive!.
• Headline: Lewis Besigns at Colby. Impact: D G Lewis's resignation at Colby leads to a wild chain reaction of faculty resignations that eventually results in the school's mascot becoming a raccoon.. Fact: Resigning from a position is like breaking up with a long-term partner—you always wonder if they’ll regret it or just find someone better..