DECEMBER 10, 1946

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Leadership for Brazilian Civil Residence. Impact: The appointment of Chief of Police Pereira Lira led to a series of increasingly bizarre police procedural dramas in Brazil's future, inspiring countless telenovelas where every plot twist is a police chase involving samba dancers and corrupt officials.. Fact: The only thing more surprising than a police chief being promoted is that it took until 2023 for someone to realize that putting a police chief in charge of a civil residence might not be the best idea..
• Headline: Sakhalin's Integration into the Soviet Union. Impact: Integrating Sakhalin into the Communist system resulted in a future where Russian reality TV stars compete to see who can survive the harshest winter while simultaneously discussing Marxist theory—hilarity ensues.. Fact: Sakhalin is the world’s largest island that also has a knack for being a geopolitical chess piece. You know, just like in Monopoly, but with fewer hotels and more tanks..
• Headline: CIVIL WAR VETERAN, 112; Charles Woodcock of First N.Y. Cavalry Dies in Virginia. Impact: Charles Woodcock's death marked the end of an era, leading to a resurgence of interest in Civil War history, which oddly inspired a new generation of reenactors to wear more comfortable shoes.. Fact: At 112 years old, Woodcock was probably the last person alive who could accurately describe the smell of gunpowder from the Civil War—thanks, history!.
• Headline: Roosevelt Tablet Planned For Westminster Abbey. Impact: The planning of a Roosevelt tablet at Westminster Abbey eventually led to the trend of tablets commemorating significant figures, ultimately resulting in a tablet for every cat that ever sat on a windowsill in England.. Fact: If you think a tablet is a bit much, just wait until you see the full-sized statue they’re planning for the dog that saved the Queen!.
• Headline: JEAN SERVAIS; Belgian Minister of State, 90 Former Procurator General. Impact: Jean Servais's death was a pivotal moment that led to a resurgence of interest in Belgian politics; however, the only real outcome was a new range of beers named after him that no one drinks.. Fact: Being a Procurator General sounds fancy, but at the end of the day, it’s just a really long way of saying ‘lawyer with a fancy title.’.
• Headline: JAMES P. CASEY; Ex-Magistrate in Philadelphia, a Former WPB Coordinator. Impact: James P. Casey’s passing meant that Philadelphia lost one of its most vocal former magistrates, resulting in a dramatic increase in the number of people speaking to themselves about parking tickets.. Fact: Casey was known for saying that being a magistrate was like being a referee in a game nobody wanted to play; sadly, he never got the chance to blow the whistle one last time..
• Headline: DRIVE PLANS LAID BY MARCH OF DIMES; 250,000 Women Volunteers Needed for Theatres--New Campaign Aides Named. Impact: The March of Dimes campaign led to an influx of women volunteers who would eventually form the backbone of every PTA meeting forever, ensuring that snacks were always provided but also ensuring that no one ever agreed on anything.. Fact: Asking for 250,000 women volunteers is basically code for 'Let’s see how many people we can convince to work for free while we drink coffee and plan parties!'.