DECEMBER 7, 1946

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bill of Rights 155th Anniversary Celebration. Impact: If the Bill of Rights hadn't been celebrated, citizens might have forgotten their rights altogether and started asking for a Bill of Responsibilities instead. Imagine the chaos of everyone suddenly taking responsibility for their actions!. Fact: The Bill of Rights was ratified in 1791, and yet here we are, 155 years later, still arguing over what it actually means. Who knew rights could be so complicated?.
• Headline: Newman Joins New Repub Staff. Impact: Newman joining Wallace's staff could have triggered a chain reaction of staff changes, leading to a new wave of political advisors who thought they could dance, sing, and govern all at once. Spoiler: they couldn't.. Fact: In the world of politics, changing jobs is like playing musical chairs, except the music is always playing and no one really knows when it will stop..
• Headline: Pacific Parley to Be Held. Impact: The Pacific Parley could have been the start of a new trend in international relations, where everyone just sits down and talks things out over a nice cup of tea instead of starting wars. Ah, but then we wouldn't have all those exciting history books!. Fact: Conferences like this often lead to more negotiations, which is basically just fancy jargon for 'talking in circles until someone gets bored and leaves.'.
• Headline: COURT FREES MONDELLO; Grumet Says He Is Not Needed as Scottoriggio Witness. Impact: Mondello’s release may have sent shockwaves through the legal system, encouraging more people to just not show up for court. 'Hey, if he can do it, so can I!' said every defendant ever.. Fact: The phrase 'material witness' sounds important, but it really just means someone who could have maybe said something useful if they had bothered to show up..
• Headline: F.B. LOOMIS 'ALL RIGHT'; Kin Say 'Disappearance' of ExDiplomat Never Occurred. Impact: If Loomis had actually disappeared, it could have sparked a nationwide search and a new reality show: 'Where in the World is F.B. Loomis?'. Spoiler: he's probably just at home binging on snacks.. Fact: Disappearing diplomats could have led to a dramatic spike in conspiracy theories, because who doesn’t love a good ‘missing person’ plot twist?.
• Headline: Books of the Times; No Enthusiast for Desk Work. Impact: Miller's disdain for desk work might have inspired a whole generation to pursue careers that involve standing, walking, or even lying down. Because who wants to be confined to a desk when you can be a professional napper?. Fact: Desk work has been linked to a plethora of health issues, which is why so many people now take their laptops to the couch. Productivity, meet comfort!.
• Headline: Elected as a Trustee of Pacific War Group. Impact: Being elected as a trustee of the Pacific War Group could have led to a series of highly questionable decisions about what constitutes a memorial. 'How about a giant sandcastle?'. Fact: Trusteeships often come with more meetings than actual decision-making, which means you can enjoy hours of delightful small talk about nothing important at all..
• Headline: Welfare Agencies Get Funds. Impact: The NYC Fire Department's gift could have started a trend of agencies gifting each other random items, leading to an absurd exchange of fire hoses for pizza coupons. What a time to be alive!. Fact: Welfare agencies getting funds is like finding extra fries at the bottom of the bag—unexpected but definitely appreciated!.