SEPTEMBER 28, 1946

Full News Archive

• Headline: LaGuardia Advocates FAO Cooperation. Impact: LaGuardia's plea for cooperation with the FAO led to an unlikely alliance between farmers and tech companies, giving birth to the world's first 'Farmers Against Algorithms' campaign. Because who doesn't want their food regulated by a bunch of nerds?. Fact: LaGuardia was known for his colorful speeches. Legend has it, he once made a speech about cabbage that brought the house down—literally..
• Headline: MRS. FRANCIS BRADSHAW; Associate Professor Emeritus at Smith College Dies. Impact: Mrs. Bradshaw's passing marked the end of an era where academia was actually respected. With her gone, a black hole of intellectualism opened up, paving the way for TikTok influencers to claim they were 'educators' and start charging for online courses.. Fact: Did you know that Smith College was founded in 1871? It’s been trying to keep up academic standards ever since, but it’s a constant uphill battle..
• Headline: MEATLESS STORES TO OFFER PETITIONS; Wrapping Paper Due to Convey Customers' Plea to End Government Control. Impact: The push for meatless stores was the spark that ignited the vegan revolution, leading to countless awkward family dinners where everyone pretended to enjoy kale salad while simultaneously plotting their escape.. Fact: The first meatless Monday was actually proposed in 1917 during WWI. So, technically, your grandma's meatless casserole has been torturing generations since then!.
• Headline: Want to Buy a Diving Lung?. Impact: The sale of surplus diving lungs inadvertently led to the rise of extreme sports enthusiasts who thought they could breathe underwater. Spoiler alert: they couldn't, and it became a cautionary tale in the extreme sports community.. Fact: Diving lungs were actually a thing back in the day. If only they had come with 'how not to drown' instructions—oh wait, they probably did..
• Headline: BRUCE WINSTON, 67, A BRITISH COMEDIAN; Actor, Producer and Scenery Designer Dies Aboard Ship --Once Weighed 347. Impact: Bruce Winston's death led to the creation of a new genre—comedic tributes for deceased actors, which we now affectionately refer to as 'roast funerals.' The concept is still debated in the comedic community.. Fact: Bruce Winston was known for his outrageous antics on stage. Rumor has it, he once tried to juggle flaming swords while riding a unicycle—because why not?.
• Headline: LAYMEN TO PROMOTE PRAYERS FOR PEACE. Impact: The Laymen's Movement for peace sparked an underground movement of folks who believed that if they prayed hard enough, they could actually will world peace into existence. Spoiler: they were not very successful, but they did start the tradition of peace-themed potlucks.. Fact: Prayers for peace have been around since the dawn of time. Ironically, they seem to work about as well as sending good vibes into the universe—very hit or miss..
• Headline: RADIO TODAY. Impact: The 'RADIO TODAY' headline marks the beginning of the end of human interaction. Little did they know, this was the first step toward a future where people would communicate solely through emojis.. Fact: Radio was once considered a revolutionary technology. Now, it’s just a background noise for people pretending to work in coffee shops..
• Headline: Defeat By Cubs Drops Cardinals Into First Place Tie With Idle Dodgers; 32,091 SEE CHICAGO HALT REDBIRDS, 7-2 Cubs Rout Pollet in Decisive 3-Run Fourth and Add Trio of Tallies in Sixth MUSIAL WASTES HOME RUN Cards and Dodgers Tied Going into Last 2 Days, With 2 Games Left for Each. Impact: The Cubs' victory over the Cardinals led to a ripple effect in the sports world, resulting in the infamous 'Curse of the Goat,' which would haunt the Cubs for years. Who knew a goat could have such a powerful impact on baseball history?. Fact: The Cubs and Cardinals rivalry is so intense that it’s rumored that even the ghosts of past players still argue about it during the night. Talk about a grave situation!.