SEPTEMBER 18, 1946

Full News Archive

• Headline: Forrestal Praises Byrnes Amid Controversy. Impact: Forrestal's praise of Byrnes sparked a secret society of overly enthusiastic speechwriters who believed they could influence history with eloquence alone. This led to the rise of the modern-day motivational speaker—thank you, Forrestal. Fact: Did you know that Forrestal's speech was so impactful it was later used as a template for countless cringe-worthy corporate pep talks?.
• Headline: Democrats Push for NYC Voter Registration. Impact: The Democrats' push for big registration inadvertently led to the invention of voter registration forms that are so complicated they've become a rite of passage for anyone wishing to exercise their democratic rights. Ah, progress!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more complex than the registration process is the number of ways politicians can dodge a question.
• Headline: Nuremberg Verdicts Postponed by a Week. Impact: The delay of the Nuremberg verdicts created a time loop of indecision, causing future legal systems to adopt the phrase 'We need more time' as their unofficial motto. The phrase has since been adopted by procrastinators everywhere. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more delayed than the Nuremberg verdicts is your friend's response to your last text?.
• Headline: AUSTRIA DISCOUNTS ROME CUSTOMS TIE; Figl Calms Fears as Belgrade and Prague on Economic Threat to Danube Basin. Impact: Austria's economic maneuvers inadvertently inspired a generation of conspiracy theorists who believe the customs relationship with Rome was just a cover for a secret pizza cartel. A delicious theory, if not entirely grounded in reality. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more perplexing than Austria's customs policy is figuring out how to pronounce 'Figl.'.
• Headline: ARCHITECT, AUTHOR CLAUDE F. BRAGDON,; Designer of Railway Stations and Theatre Stage Sets Dies --Wrote on Theosophy. Impact: Bragdon’s death led to a ripple effect where every aspiring architect suddenly thought they could design something as epic as a railway station. Spoiler: They couldn’t, resulting in a series of questionable buildings nationwide. Fact: Did you know Bragdon wrote about Theosophy? His architectural designs might have been his way of trying to communicate with the universe—or just to sell more theatre sets.
• Headline: Horsemeat Sales Jump; Just 'Mind Over Matter'. Impact: The surge in horsemeat sales initiated a culinary revolution that led to the widespread belief that anything can be gourmet if you slap a fancy name on it. Now, we have 'artisan' dog food on the market. Fact: Fun fact: Horsemeat sales jumped so much that some restaurants started serving it as a 'mystery meat' special. Because who doesn't love a little suspense with their dinner?.
• Headline: LIBERAL MAJORITY CUT TO ONE SEAT IN CANADA. Impact: The cut in the Liberal majority was the spark that ignited an endless cycle of political strategizing, resulting in political parties taking increasingly bizarre approaches to regain control. Who knew politics could be a circus?. Fact: Did you know that this Liberal majority cut inspired a new political strategy called 'The Great Distraction'? Because nothing says 'we care' like a flashy campaign promise that never comes to fruition.