SEPTEMBER 13, 1946

Full News Archive

• Headline: Captives Returned: A Post-War Gesture. Impact: Returning captives led to an unexpected boost in Anglo-German friendship bracelets, ultimately resulting in a bizarre trend of 'peace-building' merchandise that confused historians for decades.. Fact: Fun fact: After this event, the Franklin D. Roosevelt was never the same; it developed a complex about being called a 'boat.'.
• Headline: Lifting Price Controls on Fabrics. Impact: This urge sparked a nationwide revolution in home decor, causing everyone to suddenly realize they had been living with the same floral couch since 1978. Thanks, OPA!. Fact: Did you know that upholstery fabric is the primary reason for the existence of thrift stores? You're welcome, America..
• Headline: CAMP FIRE DRIVE OPENED; Patrice Munsel Aids in Start of 'Membership March'. Impact: The Camp Fire Drive inadvertently created a new generation of campers who believed that marshmallows were the primary food group, leading to a nationwide sugar crisis.. Fact: Patrice Munsel was not just a singer; she was also a campfire whisperer, known for her ability to make s'mores sing..
• Headline: AUSTRIAN RECEIVES SIBERIAN SENTENCE; Vienna Hears Jewish Leader Got 2 Years for Disobeying Soviet Command's Order AUSTRIAN RECEIVES SIBERIAN SENTENCE Clark Declines Comment. Impact: This event highlighted the harsh realities of Soviet oppression and sparked a wave of resistance that ultimately contributed to the global human rights movement.. Fact: Siberian sentences were not just cold; they were also incredibly lonely. This particular leader's only company was a snowman named Boris..
• Headline: MONTREAL TOPS NEWARK; Takes Second Play-Off Game by 2-1 as Moulder Stars. Impact: This victory sparked a long-standing rivalry that would inspire countless bad sports movies, the kind where everyone learns a lesson about teamwork—yawn.. Fact: Did you know that Moulder’s real talent was not scoring but actually avoiding awkward post-game interviews? Legends say he still has a solid career in hiding..
• Headline: Decision on Incorporation Postponed Until Nov. 7. Impact: Postponing this decision led to a crippling delay in paperwork, causing generations of bureaucrats to be born with an innate fear of deadlines.. Fact: Incorporation decisions are like fine wine; they get better with age—unless they turn into vinegar, in which case, just pour it down the sink..
• Headline: WORLD FUND SEEKS STABLE CURRENCIES; International Body Calls Upon 39 Governments to Specify Pars Within 30 Days. Impact: The push for stable currencies sent shockwaves through the global economy, leading to a worldwide obsession with Monopoly money as a safer investment.. Fact: Did you know that the World Fund actually considered asking for candy bar wrappers as a currency standard? They decided against it, but it was a close call..
• Headline: Utility Financing Approved. Impact: This approval meant that utilities could finally afford to provide service without charging an arm and a leg, resulting in a nationwide increase in hairdryer usage.. Fact: Utility financing is the adult equivalent of getting an allowance. Only, instead of candy, you get power and water—exciting, right?.