JULY 27, 1946

Full News Archive

• Headline: Congress Reorganization Bill Passed. Impact: This monumental pay rise led to an unexpected surge in congressional debates about the cost of coffee in the Capitol's break room, ultimately resulting in the first-ever Congressional Barista Act of 1950. Fact: The last time Congress reorganized, they accidentally voted to change the national bird to the flamingo. It didn’t stick, thankfully.
• Headline: Danish Critique of British Trade Practices. Impact: Danish critiques led to a dramatic increase in British pastry exports, sparking a global pastry war that ultimately resulted in the invention of the croissant—a victory for breakfast enthusiasts everywhere. Fact: The Danish actually invented the pastry as a way to distract from their terrible weather. The plan worked, but now they have to share it with the world.
• Headline: Tidelands Veto Controversy in 1946. Impact: Had Congress listened to Krug, we might have had a nation where tidal waves were managed by judges instead of politicians, possibly preventing future reality TV disasters. Fact: In an alternate timeline, the Supreme Court became the world's first surfing competition judges after taking over tidal management. Just imagine!.
• Headline: Truman Pressure Talk Denied. Impact: This denial sparked a series of conspiracy theories that led to Truman being cast as a secret agent in several B-movies, ultimately changing the face of American cinema forever. Fact: Truman once considered starring in a spy film but decided he preferred to keep the nation running instead of chasing villains in poorly fitted suits.
• Headline: INFLATION PROBLEM IS PUT UP TO TRUMAN. Impact: As Truman faced inflation, he accidentally invented the modern art movement, leading to a world where abstract dollar signs are considered masterpieces. Fact: Inflation was so bad at one point that they considered printing money with pictures of cats. It's a good thing they didn't, or we might never have gotten the internet cat craze.
• Headline: THE DAY IN WASHINGTON. Impact: This benign headline led to a series of mundane congressional days where naps became a new form of political strategy, resulting in the first-ever 'Siesta Caucus.'. Fact: Congressional naps are rumored to be longer than the debates themselves. Some members have even made it an Olympic event.
• Headline: WHERE SOMEONE CAN READ IN PEACE. Impact: This initiative to create reading spaces triggered an unexpected boom in book sales, leading to a world where people actually read instead of scrolling mindlessly on their phones. Fact: They say reading can transport you to another world, which is great unless you're reading a bill from Congress. That takes you to a whole different kind of nightmare.
• Headline: GRACE HUNSUCKER TO WED; Texas Girl Will Be the Bride of Walter Brewster Baldwin. Impact: Their wedding sparked a romantic craze that led to a boom in wedding planning services, making it the most profitable business model for people who are really just trying to avoid their own commitment issues. Fact: The real tragedy here is that the couple probably spent more on their wedding than I did on my entire college education.
• Headline: AMHERST WEBBER, LONDON COMPOSER; Former Maestro al Piano at Metropolitan, Covent Garden Dies--Wrote Operettas. Impact: Webber's death led to a sudden rise in operetta popularity, inspiring a generation of musicians to write compositions that would ultimately confuse future generations trying to decipher them. Fact: Amherst Webber once claimed that his compositions could be played backwards for a totally different tune. Spoiler: they sounded just as confusing.